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The Imitation Game

I’ve always been a good mimic in terms of writing—not in terms of anything else, it should be noted; I have never been able to convincingly act like anyone else, or sound like anyone else, or dress like anyone else, even if we define ‘anyone else’ as ‘normal people.’ But when it comes to writing I’ve always been able to absorb someone else’s style and them replicate it, if I want.

When I was younger I did this constantly, in part because I was still forming my own style and in part because when you’re young everything you read blows your mind and you can’t wait to use every trick you just learned, like immediately. I still do it today; a few years ago I was reading a lot of F. Scott Fitzgerald for a while and I wrote a short story that is basically a riff on Fitzgerald that goes on for 3,000 words or so. But it’s more controlled now, more purposeful.

Recently I was hosting a page on Facebook about writing and mentioned the concept of imitating writers as a learning tool, and got some pushback from writers who were very, very strongly against the practice. Their argument boiled down to ?you shouldn’t imitate others, but rather find your own voice.’ Which is true enough, but I think they missed the point: Imitating other writers is all about finding your own voice.

A Continuum

Writing isn’t something you invented yesterday, after all. You’re part of a continuum, a tradition that goes back a very long time, and all of us are building on what came before. It’s like when I play guitar: Every now and then I come up with a riff or three that are actually kind of tasty, and I think, hmmmn, I’m not terrible. And then I think, if this was 1963 I could be the greatest guitar player in the universe, because I have a basic grasp of the intervening 50 years of guitar music.

In other words, when a writer crafts a story that revolutionizes and excites and transforms (or merely entertains) it’s not something they did in isolation. They read novels and stories for years, digested them, processed them, and then used those absorbed tools and tricks to create something unique.

In order to get to that point where you’ve got a toolbox full of ideas and techniques you can use to make something wholly your own, you have to first acquire those tools. That starts with the basics and then moves on to increasingly esoteric and specific things that only you can use and appreciate. Imitating other writers gives you practice with their tools, which you then modify and make your own.

So, don’t hesitate to copy your favorites writers. Write entire novels in someone else’s style, why not. In the end it will help you find your own. You can also do it with fashion, which is why I’m going to be wearing nothing but white suits from now on.

Creative Outlets: Sometimes More is Better

As writers, we have a tendency to get very, very obsessed with writing. Heck, you’re reading this, which leads me to believe that you’re the sort of person who spends their free time reading about writing, when you’re not, you know, writing. Nothing wrong with that, and there’s something to be said about perfecting your craft through the simple application of time and effort—in other words, writing constantly.

But I’ve come to value alternative modes of creativity for one simple reason: It’s nice to get back to that 100% selfish, totally low-stakes kind of creative fun I used to have with writing before I started to make my living with my words.

Three Chords and a Nap

As you might know, I play guitar. I am a painfully typical middle-aged white man; I always wanted to be one of the cool kids and play guitar and start a band and overdose on heroin, but I never got around to learning, and then when I was in my 30s my wife forced me to take lessons (annoyed, no doubt, by my complaining) and since then I’ve been composing and recording actual songs.

No, seriously. I give you The Levon Sobieski Domination. No, this isn’t an up-and-coming rock band. It’s just me.

Now, I don’t think for one moment that my songs are all that great (though I am proud of them in the way only a creator can understand) and I don’t expect anyone to ever care all that much about my music. Unlike my writing, I am pretty certain I know just how mediocre my musical abilities are. But I’m having fun, and I believe that anything worth creating is worth distributing somehow, and so I put these albums together.

So where does writing come into it? The whole point is that the stakes for my music are low, kid. No one cares whether I record these songs or not. And I don’t expect to ever make a dime from them. So I get to just … well, relax and have fun and create just for creation’s sake. I don’t have to worry about sales or revision notes or sales figures. I just have fun, make something cool, and then dump it on the unsuspecting 5-10 people who will accidentally click on these links and then back slowly away from their computers, disturbed.

It’s important to have that, I think. You work so hard to make your writing a professional, money-making operation you can get in your own head a bit about whether an idea is worth it. With music, I just do all the ideas, because why not? No one’s ever gonna hear it anyway, despite my shambolic efforts.

As a bonus and possibly a bit of super secret marketing genius, half my song titles are direct references to my books.

Jeff Somers, International Man of Ignorance

FRIENDS, I am not a particularly bright or capable man. Once, when attempting to earn my Cooking merit badge in the Boy Scouts, I cooked an entire package of hot dogs before realizing they were individually wrapped in plastic of some sort. Once, when driving a rental truck and helping some friends move, I engaged in a series of slow-motion maneuvers that resulted in $2,000 in damage to the truck despite the fact that I was never going more than 5 MPH. Once, when I was in 7th Grade, I was convinced by my teachers to wear ladies pantyhose for a performance in The Taming of the Shrew … and allowed myself to be filmed[1].

None of these failures, however, has ever been quite as total and complete as my attempts to learn a second language.

Mi Llamo es Gofredo

I blame my Sophomore Year Spanish teacher, who convinced me that my name in Spanish would be Gofredo. Sure, it’s a variation of Jeffrey, and yes, it is Spanish in origin. But teaching me to say Mi llamo es Gofredo! instead of just Mi nombre es Jeff set me up for failure and humiliation.

Now, I’m not a traveler. In fact, I hate travel. If I could I would live my life inside a virtual reality box, growing large and mushroom-like and never actually interacting with real, actual human beings, because real, actual human beings are awful. But I married The Duchess, who has not heard of a country she does not want to explore. Here’s a real, actual conversation:

DUCHESS: Oooh, Syria, sounds exotic! Let’s go there next year.

ME: <horrified>

So I know I am doomed to travel the world until the sweet release of death, and I am determined to do so with a modicum of class. So I have a rule. Or, more accurately, I attempt to have a rule: When I travel to another country I must at least make a sincere effort to learn the local language. So, for example, when The Duchess insisted on a trip to Italy a few years ago I made a concerted effort over the course of a few months to learn Italian. Upon arriving in Italy, I attempted to speak Italian many times, and was met with, in descending order of frequency: Amusement, irritation, complete lack of comprehension, and violence. There are basically two possible scenarios:

SCENARIO ONE:

ME: <something vaguely Italian-ish>

ITALIAN PERSON: … we speak English, yes?

SCENARIO TWO:

ME: Ciao! Mi chiamo Jeff.

THEM: <rapidly> Ah, parli italiano! È fantastico! Dimmi, come ti piace l’Italia finora? Da dove vieni in America? Inoltre, perché non indossi i pantaloni?

ME: <feigns seizure, falls down, lies very still until everyone leaves>

Since my inability to learn a foreign language hasn’t been due to a lack of effort, I can only conclude that I am dumb. Which doesn’t really surprise a very large number of people who have interacted with me during my lifetime.

Go Along to Get Along

This all wouldn’t be so bad except for the fact that I am a non-confrontational, go-along-to-get-along kind of guy. Which means that I always prefer to pretend I understand what’s happening around me even if I am alarmed and confused by events. I’ve tried being a better person, but I always fall into the same trap:

ITALIAN PERSON: <in Italian> This is not the museum. People are often confused. This is a bondage club and you will immediately be bound and gagged upon entry.

JEFF: <not understanding a word> Cool, cool. <enters house, is never seen again>

Of course, when you behave a stupidly as this because you can’t abide anyone thinking you don’t understand everything perfectly, you more or less deserve what you get.

The one upside to this is that when I meet people here in the States who struggle to make themselves understood with ESL, I am more than sympathetic. Even if your English is tortured and broken, I am impressed, because I can’t even make myself understood in a second language at all. In this way my own failings have made me an incrementally better person.

Luckily, no matter where you go you don’t need words to order booze. They just take one look at my jaundiced complexion and bloodshot eyes and direct me to the local imbibery.


[1] If this video exists, my life as I know it is over.

Publishing: It’s All About Finding Your People

Here’s a tragedy in one act: I wrote a novel a few years ago, a thriller with a bit of sci-fi seasoning in it. I told my agent the opening premise, and she immediately said something like ‘that might be good as long as the next words out of your mouth aren’t xxx’ where xxx was a plot twist that was 100% exactly what I’d just written.

There was what scientists call an awkward silence.

That’s always a sobering moment for a writer who often thinks they’re being clever. I was a bit dismayed, but I thought on it and realized that the plot twist was, in fact, a bit overused and obvious, and so I delicately chopped 54% of the novel out of the manuscript and set about re-writing the second half of the book with a different plot twist. Which wound up ruining everything and the book was and remains a disaster.

The lesson isn’t about the shopworn plot twist; you can sell a shopworn twist if you try. No, the lesson here is that writing to hit someone else’s target is usually a mistake.

You My People

That doesn’t mean my agent was wrong. My agent is less than enthusiastic about a lot of my work, which is perfectly natural, and she’s usually very smart about it. My agent is looking at my work as the person who will have to try and sell it, so naturally she has a different perspective on it. But what I’ve slowly come to realize is that there is very likely someone out there who would read that manuscript and be amazed by it. And that’s what it’s all about: Finding your People.

By and large, my agent is my People. When she dislikes something I’ve written, I usually end up realizing she was right about it. And often when she pushes back on a novel I want to go out on, it’s purely from a market point-of-view—she might admire it, but she doesn’t think she can sell it.

As a writer, you need objective opinions and feedback, of course, but you also have to know who you are as a writer and what you’re trying to accomplish, and stick to that. Instead of constantly revising and re-working your manuscript to match the last round of feedback, you need to find the people out there who will read your work and be instantly drawn to it. Those are your People. In other words, there’s an agent out there who will read your work and love it. There’s an editor out there who will read your book and decide that whatever the P&L says, they’re going to publish it. There are people out there who will love your work and want to put effort into getting it out there. All you have to do is find them.

How to find them is a whole other story involving tears, despair, and stolen diamonds. But I’ve said too much.

Writing Trick: Going the Opposite

A lot of writing advice is centered on exercises, which I fully support. I’m a guy who naturally focuses on statistics; I keep track of how not just how many stories and novels I’ve written, but how many pages of material I’ve written over the years. Which is weird since I deprecate word counts so much, but the fact that I keep track of stats is just a tic of my strange brain, it doesn’t mean they’re all that useful.

So, I’m obsessed with how much I’ve written over the years, but that sometimes means getting locked into channels where you produce more. There’s a comfort zone for all writers, after all, and it’s not uncommon to find yourself writing the same sorts of stories or articles all the time—especially if you start getting paid for them. After all, if the world wants nothing more than to pay you for sasquatch erotica, you’re probably gonna write a lot of it.

But sometimes you need to break out a little simply to try something different and shake off the cobwebs, so the occasional writing exercise is usually invigorating and instructive. One trick I like to indulge in is simple but effective: I take something from my life and I write it from the opposite perspective.

The Hero’s Journey

We’re all the hero of our own story, after all; there’s a tendency to always remember things in a way that is self-flattering or that at least serves your personal narrative. And hey, I support that. My own self-mythologizing is how I keep my sanity, because if I admitted to myself how much of a shambolic jackass I’ve been in my life there would be emotional repercussions no one is prepared for.

That’s why writing something from someone else’s perspective can be a rich writing experience. Take a moment—it doesn’t have to be a negative one; it could be your wedding day or the day you wrestled a bear and saved the lives of six cub scouts—and write it up as a story, but tell it from someone else’s perspective. Maybe the POV is the police officer who arrested you for public urination. Maybe it’s the person whose house you TP’d on Mischief Night when you were 15. Maybe just the person who sat next to you on the bus yesterday. Tell the same story you experienced by imagine it from another person’s perspective.

Simple … but effective. Being able to see the many sides of an experience is a powerful tool for a writer.

Of course, for some reason when I imagine my experiences from other POVs I am always wearing a tuxedo and a monocle. Strange how that happens.

The Less is More Rule of Freelance Writing

Freelance writing can be a tough gig sometimes. Aside from the way your skin starts to glow in the darkness because you haven’t left your cave-like office in months, or the way you start to refer to everything as your Precious, there’s the uncertainty and instability of your income. There’s a lot of feast and famine in freelancing in general, and the fact that you don’t have a boss or a job is both powerful and terrifying. In theory, after all, you can easily tell crazy clients to go fuck themselves. In practice, of course, the idea of telling a paying client to take their money elsewhere often seems insane. What if you can’t make up the difference? What if you wind up living on the street—or, worse, forced to drink well whiskey—all because you decided that you didn’t want this money?

Here’s the thing, though, sometimes getting rid of a client actually results in more money.

Less is More

Not all freelance jobs are the same. Some require a lot of effort for modest pay, some pay you exceptionally well for something you can can up with in your spare time with, like zero effort. And most of us freelancers have a client list that’s made up of a range between those two extremes.

I had a small client. It wasn’t the hardest work in the world, and it didn’t pay very well, but for a long time I was loathe to ditch them. The work wasn’t hard, but it was time consuming the way all work is—it took hours away from my other work. So, I eventually fired the client—in a nice way.

And something weird happened: I made more money. I had more time to devote to other clients—better-paying clients—and not only did I not miss the client I ditched, I prospered. And sometimes that’s the lesson. Be willing to trim back the bad jobs. If you have an old client that’s paying you your rate from 3 years ago and isn’t willing to give you a raise, don’t convince yourself that you can’t get rid of a paying client. Take a chance and I’ll bet you wind up doing better.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you fire every client. Or even several. Just concentrate on the outliers, the small accounts that stand out due to their low rates. And if you don’t have any such clients, just keep in mind the ultimate lesson here: Freelancing is all about selling time, and sometimes getting time back from a client is the smart thing to do.

Another smart thing to do? Buying Apple stock in 1995, or mining Bitcoin in 2011. Dammit.

Give It Away

Friends, the Somers genetic code contains a large section devoted to hoarding. As I write this there are several ancient computers in the basement of my brother’s house, which is the house we grew up in. Those computers are old. As in, unusuably old. You know how you can sometimes take an old computer and repurpose it as a print or media server or something? These are so old you can possibly repurpose them as planters, but that’s about it. And yet my brother will not countenance throwing them away.

They aren’t even his computers.

It’s a disease. I got a bit of a cure when Hurricane Sandy destroyed half my house; after the insurance settlement and the renovation there was just a lot less stuff in the place, and I liked it, and decided I would no longer keep things like an old hard drive cooling fan from 15 years ago or a harmonica I got as a Secret Santa gift in 1997 that very likely cost less than $10. I also decided that when I decided to replace better stuff—stuff that was actually useful and had some value—I wouldn’t stuff the old things into the closet and keep them for 20 years before finally throwing them away in disgust. I would sell them, or, barring that, I’d give them away.

Or at least try to.

Like a Sucker

Friends, the Somers genetic code also contains a large section devoted to laziness. I am so prone to laziness it makes you wonder how the Somers genetic code made it this far. So, when I decide to upgrade something or make a change that leaves me with some extra stuff, the idea of trying to sell it just makes me exhausted. This is privilege, of course, but the fact remains. I’ve sold stuff on eBay and Craigslist and such, and it’s always way more work than it’s worth. So I prefer to use a site like Freecycle to just get rid of things. This way, I don’t have to worry about handling money, or haggling, or dealing with begging choosers. I just list an item and someone comes to pick it up, and I feel good about not having thrown something useful away, and maybe helping someone out. Sure, maybe the folks taking my free shit are then turning around and selling it for yuge profits, but if so, I don’t care. I didn’t have to deal with it, so I’m happy. It’s easy.

Or should be.

As it turns out, trying to give stuff away is hard work. I’ve basically had the same three scenarios happen over and over again whenever I’ve tried to give away my still useful junk:

1. The Ghost. Someone will email me and ask if the item is still available. “It is!” I respond. Then … nothing. They are never heard from again. Sometimes they actually make arrangements to come get the thing and then are never heard from again.

2. The Project. Someone will claim the item, and we begin an extended correspondence because they can only come by to pick up the item every second Wednesday during leap years, or so it seems. I get that people have jobs and other problems, but a) they know the town I live in, so if it requires 6 buses and a parachute to get to my house they probably shouldn’t claim it, and b) this usually includes at least two postponements and at least one complete no-show.

3. The Chatterbox. These folks may or may not pick up the item I’m offering, but man they are lonely. Texts and emails quickly become novels, with lengthy chapters on whatever they’re going through at the moment. What their hernia surgery has to do with the old guitar amp I’m giving away I have no idea, but I’m gonna hear about it. And hear about it.

Of course, I’m probably being punished for my aforementioned laziness. The gods look down and see this smug asshole giving stuff away because he can’t be bothered to skim a $1 profit off of eBay, and they reach down the Stick of Karma and hit me on the head with it, and the next thing I know I’m reading a lengthy email about how the person coming to claim my left-handed smoke shifter traveled to Hoboken, Georgia by mistake.

The Outsider

I recently started a new novel. I start lots of novels, and I write a fair number of them, too; over the last two years I finished five novels and Writing Without Rules. I’ve always written first drafts quickly, and I firmly believe in staying busy. I don’t like to sit and wait for inspiration, I like to force inspiration by working constantly and challenging myself to take a lukewarm first few thousands words and transform it into a great story by sheer force of will.

It doesn’t always work.

So, a new novel. It’s an idea I’ve been kicking around in the back of my head for a while, and I started trying to make it work a few months ago. The first six or seven tries went nowhere. The narrative just petered out each time, losing momentum and that sense of excitement that you feel when you’re onto something. And then I finally figured out the problem: My narrator was intimately involved with the secrets of the story. I needed an Outsider.

Your Ways Confuse and Alarm Me

The Outsider is a character who isn’t in on everything—a Stranger in a Strange Land. The function of the Outsider, at their most basic level, is to have things explained to them. A great example of an Outsider is the companions on Doctor Who. The time-traveling Doctor always has one or two humans around for the ride as he battles aliens and solves timey-wimey puzzles, and their main function is to be confused and alarmed so the Doctor has a reason to explain to them—and the audience—what’s going on.

The Outsider functions as an audience surrogate. I realized in my new novel that having my first-person narrator be aware of the secrets was problematic, and that I was dancing around trying to hold off on revelations which just made things weird. By changing my narrator to someone brought in from the outside, I have a lot more control over how those secrets are revealed.

It seems obvious in retrospect, but as writers it’s so easy to get locked into an initial concept. You have that first idea and it just seems so obvious, so perfect. And six months later when you can’t get it started you’re blind to the fact that one vital aspect of the concept is simply wrong.

Things are going well right now for the book. Will it turn out great? Who knows. All I know for now is that by bringing in an Outsider the story is moving again, because I can control exactly what the reader knows without having to resort to amnesia or sociopathy or possibly having things dropped on my narrator’s head at crucial moments.

Don’t Write Anything

Freelance writing is a tough go sometimes. Anyone who’s ever daydreamed of leaving their Day Job (or, who knows, their whole life, family, and social circle) behind in order to become a “digital nomad” of some sort knows that just getting things off the ground can be an intimidating experience. And it doesn’t help that most established freelance writers (my ears are burning) find it impossible to explain clearly how in the world they got established in the first place. My own career trajectory is kind of blurry, to be honest; it’s literally

1. Decide to go freelance

2. Apply for every job available

3. ???

4. Profit!

One thing I’ve noticed a lot of new freelance writers doing is jumping on forums and applying for jobs by saying that they can write “anything.” I remember doing that myself in the early going, having such confidence in my abilities and being so certain that this would somehow be persuasive to potential clients.

It’s not. Don’t do it.

Specify

It’s probably true. You probably can write anything—I know I can. Give me a clear enough brief and some decent guidelines and I can replicate voice, emulate style, and crank out whatever writing you need. Heck, in college I got into trouble because I imitated the style of academic writers too closely after reading their books; I was called in to a conference with a teacher who couldn’t believe I hadn’t plagiarized the words, once.

But being able to write anything doesn’t mean you should.

First of all, it’s a weak marketing technique. The word ‘anything’ is so non-specific as to be meaningless, and sounds like empty bragging. There’s simply no reason to believe you if you can’t even be specific about the things you’re good at doing.

Second, it’s bound to get you into work you don’t want to do. Now, if you need to make a living it’s easy to get into the mindset of taking on any kind of work, but writing isn’t a mindless activity that you can grind through. Even crap writing for money requires some engagement and mental work, and that means if your work is boring or involves a subject you don’t really enjoy, it’s going to be tedious. And that can affect everything from the quality of your work to your enjoyment of life.

Instead of telling people you can write ‘anything,’ it’s better to think about what you want to write about and focus there—with the caveat that if you need to make some money there’s nothing wrong with tossing that advice out the window and getting down to business.

Wait, I think I just remembered what Step 3 was supposed to be: Day drinking. And plenty of it.

The More Things Change

I recently got rid of my last stereo receiver. For those of you of a certain tender age, that’s a big black box that you plugged speakers and other components—like a CD player or turntable—into and which put sound into your speakers. The past was truly a terrible place.

Getting rid of it is about more than simple technology, though. It’s just the latest example of shit I used to be obsessed about that I no longer care about at all. Whether this is personal growth or senility is an exercise for whoever’s reading this. All I know is, I used to work extra shifts at my part time jobs to be able to afford a humongous stereo system, and two decades later I just gave away my last link to that person. And, honestly, I’ll never look back, because I haven’t used that receiver for more than a few minutes at a time in years.

This has nothing to do with technology. There’s no big point, either, no sweeping generalization about people or society. I’ve just changed, and it’s weird to stand back sometimes and realize it. I can remember the first stereo I ever had, a terrible cheap thing bought from Sears (where the Somers family got all their supplies) that was combination turntable, dual cassette deck, radio, and 8-track. 8-Track. Look on my works ye mighty and wonder what in fuck.

Still, I loved it. It was a stereo. I suddenly had the ability to curate my own personal soundtrack, and I spent a good 20 years curating the hell out of it. And then, slowly, in stages, I fell in love with MP3s and Spotify and the convenience of digital music, and at the same time bought a home with shared walls and realized how hell is other people’s music. And so I lost interest in stereos. It just happened.

The Jacob deGrom Effect

When I was younger, I was seriously into baseball. As much as that makes me a cliché—ooh, white man loves baseball!—it is what it is. I used to wear a baseball cap every day. I watched lots of games. I knew stats off the top of my head.

And sometime around 15 years ago, I sort of lost interest. Then I was in denial for a while. But now? I accept it. I just don’t care much about a game I once lived and breathed.

Part of it is the way the game has changed, that’s true. The fact that Jason deGrom’s 2018 season is making him a serious contender for the Cy Young Award is just wrong. He’s an incredible pitcher. He’s very talented. He’s having a great year, technically. I wish him well and millions of dollars. But a guy on pace to win 10 games shouldn’t win the Cy Young unless he’s instrumental in getting his team to the playoffs. And as a long time Mets fan I can say that the Mets are not going to make the playoffs this year.

It’s also the focus on role players, the lack of complete games, the drugs and performance enhancements, the fact that I feel like I’ve seen everything the game can show me. It’s all me. Plenty of people still love baseball and good on them. For me, the most notable thing here is the fact that I once knew every single player in the game, and now I don’t think I can name more than a handful.

Shifting Gears

Something else I used to be obsessed with: A car. I used to feel like my legs were broken when my car was in the shop, and whenever I didn’t have a car, I would walk around and lust after cars. Today? Haven’t had a car in years, and don’t miss it. Actively regard cars as a pain in the ass I don’t need.

Again, this isn’t some statement. Many people need cars to live. Many people legit love cars and enjoy them. What’s remarkable about it, to me, is the way I’ve fundamentally changed. Because other people don’t seem to have shifted to quite the degree that I have. I don’t know what that means; it’s quite possible that it means I am a lazy or shallow individual whose interests and passions were never all that deep or powerful to begin with. It’s just remarkable to realize that Today Jeff is so fundamentally different in so many ways from 1998 Jeff that we wouldn’t recognize each other.

Of course, the other way Today Jeff and 1998 Jeff are different is the fact that 1998 Jeff thought drinking Coors Lite and Jack and Cokes was acceptable adult behavior. If I met 1998 Jeff in a bar today, I would punch him in the nose.