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Flash Forward

Ah, the stench of missed opportunities. I was on my own last night, with no Duchess in sight, and thus was not forced to watch Grey’s Anatomy. So I decided to take in Flash Forward on ABC, on the premise that a) it at least wasn’t yet another medical/lawyer/cop drama, and b) it’s at least somewhat SF-ish.

Now, I’ve never read the source material, so I can’t comment on that. From what I understand, the TV series is quite different from it, which is probably a good thing. Because the premiere episode of Flash Forward was kinda disappointing. As in, dull to the extreme.

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The Futility of Writing

Ah, another week, another video. I’m having far too much fun with these. This week, we’re discussing the futility of your artistic and financial literary dreams:

As always, tell the world and let me know if you have any comments as feedback is always appreciated!

Pop Culture

Friends, I’ve spent far too much time this week a) reading TvTropes.org and b) watching the MTV VMAs. As Tv Tropes put me in the frame of mind to overanalyze everything, what struck me about the VMAs was how drastically the pop culture world has shifted in my lifetime, and, hell, within the last few years. I mean, most of the people who attended the 1999 VMAs weren’t at this year’s, weren’t even mentioned, and are possibly entirely unknown to kids starting High School this year. I mean, here’s a short list of performers/presenters:

Kid Rock, Aerosmith, Run-DMC, Lauryn Hill, Backstreet Boys, Ricky Martin, Nine Inch Nails, TLC, Fatboy Slim, Amil & Jay-Z, *NSYNC, Britney Spears, Eminem, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Korn, Garbage, Marilyn Manson, Lil’ Kim

Now, some of those folks still have hot careers, some are dead, and some are still plodding along, but very few of them are still part of the bubbling pop culture conversation. It’s amazing, really, to think what a difference 10 years makes.

So I was going to write a post about how pop culture references affect and date writing, but then I realized I wrote that eassay five thousand years ago in my zine The Inner Swine. So I’ll just reprint it here, slightly revised (very slightly):

How Many Simpsons References Can I String Together in One Essay, Anyway?

Pop Culture in Fiction

by Jeff Somers

FANS, I don’t claim to know much of anything at all. I know a few things: I know that Warren Spahn is the winningnest lefthanded pitcher in Major League Baseball history. I know that Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle states that one cannot simultaneously know both the position and the momentum of a given object to arbitrary precision. I know that irony is a form of speech in which the real meaning is concealed or contradicted by the words used. I know how to tie a Square Knot. I can write a Hello World program in BASIC. I know what a Fnord is. See, I know a few things, but nothing, really, of any importance, and nothing, really, that would convince you that I am qualified in any way to write intelligently about Serious Writing Topics. The fact that I’ve published a few literary gems doesn’t mean much, if you consider some of the crap that gets published these days—not just published, but the crap that wins awards. I don’t have any advanced degrees and I’ve rarely won an argument, usually descending to physical threats after about five minutes of stuttering impotence; I haven’t published any scholarly papers on the subject of writing and I’m not making millions through my art. So, there’s really no reason to pay any attention to me, is there? On this subject, I mean. If you need an essay on why a six-pack is good breakfast fare, I’m your man.

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Interview with ME! ME ME ME!

The good folks over at Rescued by Nerds carried through on their terrorist threat and have posted an interview with me:

“In those five minutes, however, Avery sang a haunting ballad about life being hard for honest assassins. It’s too bad you won’t hear it. It was very moving.”

Surf on over and make some snarky comments. First person to make Jeff the Preparer cry with their snark gets a prize. Said prize may not be something you actually want, though.

Your Mortal Ways Booooore Me

Friends, it probably isn’t a well known fact that my gorgeous wife, The Duchess, who secretly (or not so secretly) runs this household forces me to watch the MTV Video Music Awards show every year. The reasons for this are tied up in obscure traditions established during our courtship, when apparently I was willing to do a lot of things in order to impress her that I now regret, once of which was volunteering to watch the VMAs with her one night. One thing all young men have to realize is that when you’re dating, the most ridiculous things can become bronzed as Special Moments that will come back to ruin you later in life. The VMAs is one such moment. So was promising her that someday I’d be a rich author and she’d be a Woman of Leisure; take my advice and never promise anything like that to your partner. You will regret it.

So, I sat through most of the VMAs this week. Which means I got to stare blankly at the screen in perplexity every time Russell Brand prosecuted some of his ‘comedy’, I got to be mildly impressed with Janet Jackson huffing and puffing her way through her old Scream dance routine (and almost pull it off perfectly, which in itself was pretty impressive), and yes, I got to see Kanye West finally turn the tide of jackass opinion against himself. Although, you know, Taylor Swift should maybe man up a little. It’s not like she was stabbed.

Anyway, I also got to see the extended New Moon trailer. I’ve never read the Twilight books and I did not see the first film. I’ve got nothing against them. I’m told they are not great books, but then I guess your mileage will vary on books, especially books that come with a built-in backlash like Twilight. So I only took two things from the New Moon trailer:

  • Kristen Stewart must have studied every episode of ER in order to approximate the George Clooney Circa 1999 Acting Style of looking at your shoes and frowning when you speak every line of dialog, and
  • Elder Vampires?!? Sweet baby Jebus, Anne Rice has struck again.

Why is it that every Vampire story has to have ancient, vaguely rotten-looking vampires in ridiculous outfits, lounging about in ridiculously luxurious and/or old settings like Eurotrash on smack? Now, this was a pretty fun idea 40 years ago. And it can, of course, be a fun idea again and again if handled well. But it does seem like it’s the go-to trope whenever you’ve got vampires. Somewhere, there must be a 1000-year-old debauched rich dude with long fingernails who THE MOST POWERFUL VAMPIRE IN THE WOOORRRLLDDD.

Again, not having read the book or seen the movies, I am basing this on the trailer alone. Which is how I roll: Ignorant and fearless. So maybe I’ve got New Moon all wrong and it averts or subverts this trope. It’s still a pretty common feature in vampire tales, as far as I can tell. And again: It’s not a bad idea in and of itself, though I can’t help but wonder if I’m the only one who rolls his eyes whenever someone in a vaguely 17th-century suit shows up looking dapper and menacing, dropping gradeschool historical references – gasp! – as if he was there witnessing them at the time!!

Obviously, vampires are immortal – or at least, traditionally they are; we are dealing with the imagination, after all. We can has mortal vampires if we wants ’em. But okay, so say your vamps are immortal – fine. One can imagine they might play the stock markets well, steal priceless art and fence it, profit from wars and such. If I knew I’d still be here 400 years from now, I could just tuck my savings account into a slow but steady investment and wait for it to top a trillion or so, patient as a spider. So okay, having rich, ancient vampires who have great power and influence isn’t a crazy idea at all. But must they always be collected into some sort of Vampire Council? Jebus, vamps suck blood and murder humans who used to be their fellow houseapes. A VC just seems a bit. . .civilized.

Then again, most of the body horror dread has been sucked out of Vampires, to the point where they are now acceptable crushes for pre-teen girls. So maybe they form clubs and scrapbook together – why not a council?

Eternal Prison Review

And lo! A review of The Eternal Prison over at Rescued by Nerds:

“It’s a dark path that should be really interesting to read. If you are a fan of Richard Morgan, David Williams or David Gunn then Jeff is right up your alley.”

They also did a little interview with Your Humble Author that’ll be up in a day or so; I’ll let y’all know when.

Everything Sucks

Well, I downloaded OpenShot for Linux the other day, and it’s a pretty nifty MovieMaker-type app. Naturally, with a new video application I had to actually make another video. So, I hereby present the new ridiculousness: Everything Sucks, a rumination on how no matter how wonderful your book is, someone somewhere hates it:

Enjoy! Although, based on what I just said, some of you probably won’t. You bastards.

The Frickin’ Origin Story

Let’s discuss my Origin Story.

Okay, I start off as a mild-mannered kid. I grew up in Jersey City, New Jersey, which is a small city outside of Manhattan, pretty urban. I spend my days running around in the street playing games and dodging traffic (yes, this was before folks considered kids too delicate to leave unattended on busy streets). Then one year there was an odd confluence: Every summer the Fire Department would give out special wrenches to various community leaders which would allow them to open up the hydrants and create a fountain of cool water for kids to play in, and I was running around out there in my bathing suit when this absolutely HUGE kid smacked into me, knocking me down, and I hit my head on the curb, causing a concussion.

Around the same time, I saw on television the animated version of “The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe” by C.S. Lewis and really, really enjoyed it. At school a little while later we were herded into the library for a forced-reading excursion, and I saw the Narnia books, and had this sudden epiphany that there were these things called books which were often the basis for the things on TV and in the movies. So I read all 7 books over and over again, taking them out of the library repeatedly, and then moved on to other books in the same general category, and not long after that I wrote my first story: A 90 page fantasy book based on (and largely plagiarized from) Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings.

Now, wasn’t that stirring? Fascinating? Don’t you know my one, singular motivation behind everything I do?

Damn it: Origin stories suck.

Yet the Origin Story continues to plague us. Every damn superhero movie made has to start off with the Origin Story – often, the Origin Story is the plot of a film. Hours spent on explaining exactly how the hero became the hero, usually with a simple, easy-to-understand motivation behind their subsequent superheroish behavior: Batman has his murdered parents, Spider Man has his murdered uncle, Iron Man has his life spent populating the world with weapons of mass destruction. Unlike actual people, whose motivations for doing things are usually layered and complex – and sometimes contradictory, these single events usually serve for the character’s motivations forever.

Origin Stories suck.

This is a generalization, of course. I would actually admit that they are sometimes handled well: Iron Man, for example, managed to make the titular hero’s OS fun and interesting, mainly through Robert Downey Jr’s charm and by treating it as part of the whole story, instead of an extended explanatory flashback. Overall, though, Origin Stories suck the Big Suck for a variety of reasons, and I’d beg Hollywood to stop forcing us to sit through them if only anyone ever listened to me.

First of all, Origin Stories are dull. In today’s day and age we’re all more or less familiar with comic book heroes and villains. I mean, do I really need to see Batman’s parents murdered again? Batman’s character has been around for 70 years. I think we’ve all heard about it by now. You can argue, of course, that movies are each their own individual piece of art and you shouldn’t just assume that audiences know all about it – except that movies do this all the time, throwing in pop culture jokes, nods to previous versions or obvious tropes. Why not just assume we’re familiar with the OS and move on? Or at the very least wave your hand at the OS and just give us the one-line summary.

Origin Stories are dull because they require a lot of set up and exploration to be effective at all. There will be characters you never see again, the main character as a child, and a whole storyline that has little to do with the main plot, thus crowding the rest of the film simply to dramatize something most of us have already seen or read or at the very least heard about. This is because the producers want their movies to be as General Audience as possible. If there’s some mope out there who hasn’t heard Batman’s Origin Story, then dammit the Producers do not want to make that person confused when they watch the movie.

Second of all, Origin Stories have been done. We’re entering in the Golden Age of the Reboot, where filmmakers are starting franchises fresh before they’re even in the grave. The first Fantastic Four movie came out in 2005 (I’m purposefully ignoring Roger Corman’s version) and its sequel in 2007, but they’re already contemplating a reboot. Sweet jebus, it’s been less than five years, and already they want to subject me to Yet Another Depiction of the Fantastic Four’s Origin.

Even if it’s the first film version, there’s the actual source material. Now, I know that the majority of people who might see a movie have never read the source material, and they might need to know exactly how the superhero came to be, except. . .

Third of all, Origin Stories are unnecessary. Seriously – you’re asking me to suspend my disbelief to accept, say, a fey rich kid growing up to become an asskicking machine in a bat costume, single-handedly ridding a large city of crime through expensive, advanced technology and his ripped abs, but assume I can only accomplish this by explaining in excruciating detail how he came to this decision and how he trained himself? I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to accept Batman as Batshit Crazy Asskicker and if his backstory stays a bit murky, I’m fine with that. I actually prefer it that way, because. . .

Finally, Origin Stories detract from the glorious mystery. There’s far too much explaining in most stories. Details are like the Monster: When they’re in the shadows, making menacing noises and leaving only a bloody trail behind their passing, they can seem huge, terrifying, epic. Then the light gets turned on and it’s a guy in a rubber suit, and you are never, ever, impressed by it again. Sometimes details should be left vague, because a mysterious hero or villain is always better than one whose psychiatrist’s notes are available for inspection.

Of course, your mileage may vary, and I’ve already admitted there are exceptions to this rule. But I’d rather sacrifice the first half of Iron Man if it meant I don’t have to watch Bruce Banner evolving into The Hulk again. Ever.