Who knew? A few hearty souls are actually reading this blog. And one of them had some questions for me in a comment.
Jim Lemon said, and I quote:
“Help us be famous like you. Watch out! The paparazzi is right behind you!”
Let me stress that I don’t actually want to be famous, at least not in the sense of being recognized on the street or what have you. The chances of that happening are slim anyway (not much paparazzi market for fleshy, boozy writers unless they fake their memoirs), but if it is an option, baby, I don’t want it.
“How did you land an agent?”
The old-fashioned way: I sent out tons and tons of cover letters, sample chapters, etc. Most of the agents I sent to were culled from The Writer’s Market and various on-line resources.
“Where do you work?”
You mean like, geographically? Manhattan, New York City.
“Boxers or briefs?”
Those bizarre boxer-briefs. Best of both worlds, buddy.
“Heinz or Hunts?”
Store brand.
“Once I get my advance, can I quit my job?”
Only if you can live on tuna and tap water and have someplace rent-free to live. First-time authors don’t get much. Even fairly well-published authors don’t get much.
“Did Ted Bundy steal your glasses when you were a kid?”
No one ever stole my glasses. Despite being a pudgy nerd, I was fucking badass, thank you very much. No one dared touch me.
“Who do you think would play you best in a movie? Please don’t pick a Baldwin”
Jason Bateman. That man is a genius.
“Paper or plastic?”
Paper.
“Mets or Yankees?”
Baseball. I don’t root for teams. I just love the game. Seriously. I’ve been to both Mets and Yankees playoff/World Series games. Once at the same time.
“I’ve got a million questions more – well, maybe ten or twenty, if you are interested.”
Fire away. I am always willing to answer questions with lazy sarcasm and ignorant jibes.
You don’t have a favorite baseball team?
I’m calling bullshit here.
Your writings declare, and I believe that you are, a devout fan of the game.
I’m Lou Pinella kicking dirt on your claim.
How the fuck can you watch and not have a favorite team? Are you dead inside?
If what you claim is true – you need a home. The Atlanta Braves would like to offer you a lifetime membership into the family.
14 straight division chapionships. We got skilz.
Please send your commitment letter and a sampling of your blood to the addresss listed in the chocolate wrapping I put under your pillow moments ago.
Team loyalties are for primitives. I appreciate the beauty of baseball no matter what. Mets, Braves, Padres, even the fucking expansion teams–I’m down. The only reason I like it when the locals win is because it’s easier to get to the playoff games.
Primitives?
Isn’t that sort of exactly your style??
much love,
many cheers,
go Yanks!