It’s been, what, three weeks in this room? Blogging? My publisher promised me that if I generated some media attention for the book, they’d let me out of here. The way things have been going, I’ll be here forever.
I’m not cool. I’ve never been cool. Maybe, at one point in school I got so uncool I actually passed through the event horizon* of uncool, becoming so uncool I was actually cool. For a brief, ironic moment back in the early nineties when irony was hip. But in the traditional sense, no, I have never been cool.
Of course, in order to blog, you have to have a healthy appreciation for your own personal greatness, right? I mean, you are imagining that on some level total strangers want to know what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, maybe even what you’re eating, wearing, and muttering to yourself.
The answers for me: Scotch, an ancient pair of khaki shorts and nothing else besides a thin film of sweat, and goddamn you all to hell over and over again.
See? Not cool. And yet I must blog. For I have a book to sell.
That’s the sad truth of it–blogging is not natural for me. I didn’t see WordPress or Blogger and think, damn, this is what I should be doing with my time. I felt an overwhelming sense of boredom and woke up in Mexico without my pants. Again. But when you’re walking that thin line between being a total gacking sellout flogging your book like the unit-shifter it is, and maintaining some of the dark integrity you still gloat over under the covers with a flashlight, you pick your battles. A blog is a marketing tool these days, just like viral videos and Alternate Reality Games, but at least it’s a marketing tool where I get to be as uncool and lame as I always am.
I mean, I’ve been uncool for so long it’s comfortable. If I landed in some lame Disney movie about an uncool guy who finds a device that makes him cool, I’d run the other way, natch. I like being uncool. It’s part of my skin. When I was a little kid, I displayed zero athletic talent and yet insisted on playing Little League baseball to the mixed horror and amusement of my neighbors. When I was a little older I actually played Dungeons & Dragons. I got good grades. I wore glasses–ridiculously oversized plastic glasses, in fact. Look:
How I did not grow up to be a darkly muttering psycho, I have no idea. The liquor helps, I think.
And now, you lucky people will be exposed to my raw and unedited internal monologue! A RIVER OF UNCOOL WASHING OVER YOU LIKE AN INCOMPREHENSIBLE WAVE! Oh, it will be ever so much fun.
*Been reading Frederick Pohl and that’s my Phrase of the Week right now
I feel your pain. Not really, but I wanted to sound sympathetic.
You have to embrace your audience. Have another drink and think about it. We love you, but we want something from you – besides your brilliance (you said it, not me). Help us be famous like you. Watch out! The paparazzi is right behind you!
Here are some questions to answer on your blog. I interviewed all eight readers and this is what they wanted to know:
How did you land an agent?
Where do you work?
Boxers or briefs?
Heinz or Hunts?
Once I get my advance, can I quit my job?
Did Ted Bundy steal your glasses when you were a kid?
Who do you think would play you best in a movie? Please don’t pick a Baldwin brother.
Paper or plastic?
Mets or Yankees?
I’ve got a million questions more – well, maybe ten or twenty, if you are interested.
The coolest people don’t know they’re cool.
I don’t know I’m cool.
So, that means I am,
Yes.
Jason,
Let’s form the Cool Kids CLub. We’ll smoke and drink and make fun of everyone else.
Jim,
Ha! I will turn your questions into a whole new post! BTW, love your URL.
J
There is nothing I would enjoy more than smoking, drinking, and making fun of other people.
I’ll get two lawn chairs.
You get the ice.
B.Y.O.B. (or whatever you swill)
I will see you at the inaugural meeting of the Cool Kids CLub.