The Bouncer Chapter 37

This is the LAST chapter of the book! Thanks for coming along on this weekly journey. Download links for the complete novel will be posted next week!
37.
Misha and Perry walked with me from the elevator. I kept my sunglasses and hat on, because as Mick had pointed out over and over again this was a stupid idea. I’d told Mick that I’d just spent a few days doing the stupidest shit possible, so a little more stupidity couldn’t possibly hurt me.
I’d never been in a hospital before. No one believed me when I told them that, but it was true. I’d never broken a limb, and for all the drugs I’d consumed in my life I’d never once needed a ride to the ER. The place smelled like alcohol and ammonia, puke and perfume. I’d never been in a place that felt so dirty and painfully clean at the same time.
Walking was painful. My head throbbed; I’d had a headache more or less continuously for two days. Every time I moved any part of my body I felt like something inside me was tearing open, but I’d been gobbling aspirin and antibiotics that had fallen off a truck, and so far I was holding together. I wasn’t shitting or pissing blood, either, so all in all I felt like the luckiest unlucky bastard in the world.
Lucky: Ellie and Carrie were alive and well and hidden. Unlucky: Carrie had so far made no effort to let me know where they were.
Outside room 354, Mish and Perry took up positions on either side of the door. I nodded and stepped inside, shutting the door carefully behind me.
Jill looked incredibly small propped up in the bed, tubes jammed into her, oxygen planted in her nose. She was pale and shriveled, and the white streak in her hair seemed thicker and broader, like her hair color was a health bar in a video game and the last few days had cost her. As I stepped close her eyes popped open, and I was relieved to see them as bright and sharp as ever.
“You look like shit,” she said.
“You too.”
She stretched and grimaced in pain. “You shouldn’t be here, You’re on, like, fifteen different shit lists.”
I nodded. “I’ll be okay for a minute. Mick is running some interference.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Mick survived, huh?”
“So far. Not gonna lie, it’s touch and go. You get the feeling someone’s filled out the paperwork, and they’re just trying to get a signature, you know? But he fucking smiles a mile wide every time he talks about it. Most fun the old bastard’s had in years.”
She smiled. “He is old.”
I swallowed something invisible. “I came to thank you.”
She glanced at the little table next to her bed. “Damien was here.” I followed her gaze and saw a card. “He said it was for you, too.”
I stepped over and picked it up. It was blank on the outside. Inside, he’d written a poem in the stark block letters of a psychopath:
?good luck’
This virulent outbreak of despair
which ravages the gentle plains of my existence
is communicated by you through saliva, drool, and bile
saliva in your tendered kisses
drool mingled with mine on pillows
bile spat at me
across restaurant tables
over cocktail napkins
across the vast universe of our apartment
I am terminal
and so are
you.
I nodded. “You ever just think to call 9-1-1 and have him forcibly committed for a night or two?” I said, dropping the card back on the table.
“Sure, when I need a good night’s rest.”
Silence settled on us. I looked down at my boots.
“Listen—”
“Fuck that,” she said, her voice thick and gravelly. “You would have done the same.”
I nodded without looking up. I felt something almost like shame. I’d slipped off and fell and I’d dragged just about everyone down with me.
“All right,” she said. “Let’s see it. I’ll show you mine, you show me yours.”
I smiled, lifting up my shirt. The bandages wrapped around my midsection were thick and a little too tight. They were still showing red here and there, but the it was just seepage at this point. I did an awkward little turn to show her the back. She whistled in appreciation.
“Must have missed your kidney by a millimeter. Who sewed you up?”
“A friend of Lisa’s, an EMT, did it for a hundo.”
“Shiiiiit,” she said. “It’s good work. You might live.” She started to fuss with her sheets, feebly trying to lower them to show me her wounds. She was covered in deep, purplish-yellow bruises. A wave of burning shame and guilt swept through me. Jill wasn’t in a good place. Hadn’t been in a good place for a very long time, but I hadn’t thought twice about throwing her in the way of my own personal barrel of shit. “Fucking tubes …” she muttered.
“Hey forget it. I can see you win.” I made a lazy sign of the cross over her. “I declare you Jill Pilowsky, the Most Fucked Up.”
She laughed, falling back exhausted. “How’s Carroll? Really?” she said, out of breath.
I managed a little grin and looked back at her. “He says he’ll be okay. Brusca is backing his play, so he says the Outfit won’t kill him, they’ll just tax him to death. Abban Spillaine is gonna declare holy war, probably, but he doesn’t have much muscle or anything else left after all this, and Brusca basically runs Bergen City now, so I think Mick’s gonna be okay.”
“What about you?”
“I’m pretty hot right now. There’s a couple of buttons with my name on it out of Kansas City, Miami, and a few other places with seats at the table. I’m still on the hook for my father’s bean, I’m on the hook for Dubsey.” I shrugged. “They needed a fall guy, so they’re gonna put one in my head, leave me someplace public if they track me down.” I sighed. “Mick reached out through back channels and got me a job, up north. Some bar a friend of his owns, needs a little security work.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Brain the size of a fucking planet, gonna be a professional bouncer your whole life, huh?”
I nodded. Until I could get back to zero, I thought.
“Carrie? Ellie?”
I swallowed again. “It’s best I don’t know where they are, for now. They’re out of it—but if I was The Outfit, I’d be watching them, see if I show up.” I looked out the window. The view of the parking lot was spectacular. “I don’t know if Carolina wants to see me again, honestly. And I’m not sure I blame her.”
Jill grimaced, shifting her weight under the sheets. She looked like she was fifteen again, hungover and irritated. “Ellie needs her dad,” she said, her voice small.
I nodded, my whole body tightening up. “Best thing for now is I stay away,” I said thickly. Then I cleared my throat. “Mick’s gonna hire you,” I said.
She squinted sideways at me. “The fuck?”
I leaned against the window sill. “Part of the treaty. Everything lands on me, you get a pass, but they said you gotta be kept near, have an eye kept on you. Mick’s your guardian.” I held up a hand as she struggled weakly to sit up, face scowling. “Listen: You either work for Mick for a while, or they’re gonna kill you.”
“I’ll come with you.”
I shook my head. “No. Mick worked hard to negotiate this. No one’s particularly happy, and it’s stretch to get you amnesty as it is. You break their rules, they’ll come after you. They’ll come after me. With people better than the yahoos Merline Spillaine had on his payroll.” I sighed. I knew Jill Pilowski well enough to know she never liked being told what to do. They determined frown on her face told me as much. I reached out and put my hand on her shoulder.
“Pills,” I said. “This treaty—what Mick worked out for us, at great fucking personal cost—it’s what’s keeping Carrie and Ellie safe. We abide by it. Okay?”
She looked away, eyes shining. “You say so, boss.”
I felt like something had swollen inside my head. Before I knew what I was doing, I leaned down and put my hands on her face, cupping it. Her eyebrows came together.
“What—”
“Dry out,” I said, voice shaking. “I don’t know what you have to do. Go to a meeting. Go to rehab. Chain yourself to the radiator and eat ramen for three weeks straight. I don’t know. Just do it, because I need to know you’re here. I need to know you’re here even if I don’t see you. Or hear from you.”
She stared up at me, eyes filling up with tears, her forehead wrinkling up.
“Dry out,” I repeated. “I need Jill Pilowski. I need you. And if you don’t do something—now, today—you’re gonna be dead soon.”
Her face collapsed, twisting up. “Maddie,” she said. And then she was grabbing at me, pulling at me with unexpected strength. We held each other for a quaking, wracking moment.
Then she pushed me away—gentle. But firm.
Blinking, I wiped my face with one hand. “You’ll always be able to find me, Pills,” I said slowly. “Believe that. I’m always around, somewhere.”
She nodded, scrubbing her eyes. “Abban Spillaine’s gonna put some effort into finding you,” she said, her voice shaking a little. “He’s not gonna worry about offending anyone. He’s old, his organization is fucked, he’s already fucked. He’s gonna be putting whatever he’s got left into finding you.”
I nodded. “I’ll be careful.”
“How?” she said, turning her head and looking at the wall.
I frowned. “How what?”
“How will I find you?”
“Mick will know.”
“Mick’s not gonna last much longer,” she said. “You see how that fat old man eats?”
####
I got into the backseat of the old Lincoln, bullet holes peppering the finish. Misha and Perry got into the front.
“Our girl good?” Mick asked.
He looked older. He’d been an old man as long as I’d known him, but in the last week he’d suddenly lost a lot of color and quickness. He shuffled, just a little, like his legs were too heavy. He’d been trying to live a quiet life, and he’d bought back in on my behalf, and barely survived. And the way this shit worked, he wouldn’t be sure he’d really survived until he died some other way and proved to himself there wasn’t a button out there with his name on it.
I nodded. “She’ll live. She’s not good.”
He shrugged. “Best we can do, under the circumstances.” He handed me a large yellow envelope. “New papers,” he said. “Driver’s license, birth certificate, Social Security card. Some walking-around money. Not a lot, best I can do. Things are tight.”
I held the heavy envelope in my hands, feeling emotional. “Mick, I don’t know—”
“Save it. Place is called The Pig’s Eye in Brattleboro. My cousin’s ex-wife’s kid owns it. It’s a shithole, but he needs someone to block the door and ditch the shitheels. Pays next-to-nothing but you can crash in the back of the place, there’s a toilet and sink and a bunk.” He nodded. “Misha and Perry are gonna drive you, make sure you get delivered okay.” He tapped the envelope. “Memorize your name. Keep your head down, stay out of trouble. I’ll check on Carrie and the kid and send word, I promise.”
“Thanks, Mick, I—”
“Yeah,” he said. No one would let me thank them. “I should have done better by you, Maddie, so let’s just drop the gratitude. You boys ready?”
Misha and Perry nodded. Misha turned the key and the Lincoln roared to life.
“Don’t forget—first stop is Manny’s, trade this in for a clean set of wheels. Then you go slow, you stay off the main roads, you don’t talk to anyone. Capisce?”
Misha nodded. “Got it, Mick.”
“Okay.” With a grunt of effort, Mick opened the door and swiveled himself around. “Good luck, kid. Maybe I’ll see you again, someday.”
I nodded. “Maybe.”
The door slammed, and Misha put the boat into gear. For a moment I twisted around and watched Mick shrink behind us. Then I watched the city—my city, the place I’d been born, the place I’d lived, the place where my parents had abandoned me to skip out on their debts—shrink. I sat that way for a long time, watching the old neighborhoods fade back. We passed my old grammar school, the old high school where Jill and I had barely attended, the block where Mats and Liùsaidh had briefly pretended to be normal parents, normal people. Then Queenies looking sad and sunken in the daylight, and then Misha steered us onto Stuyvesant, taking us to the rusting old body shops and empty warehouses before you got to the highway.
I turned around and closed my eyes. My side ached and burned. My wife and daughter were somewhere else, beyond reach. But I was alive. And for the first time in forever, zero was someplace else.
THE END