Bullshit

I am exhausted in Texas.

Kids, I dunno where you live, but here in Hoboken located in the northeastern United States, we’re expecting a lot of snow sometime today. Which means that I will be shoveling until I collapse and fall asleep in a drift, leaving to fate whether I am discovered by neighbors in time.

I grew up around here, so I’ve been shoveling snow my entire life. Even when I went away to college and rented for a while, I usually had to shovel around my car quite a bit in order to free it. When The Duchess and I bought a house a few years ago I cleverly selected a rowhouse which has only 12.5 feet of sidewalk in front of it, thus limiting my legal liability for shoveling snow (my parents instilled in me a great fear of the Random Meanspirited Lawsuit stemming from some poor soul slipping in front of your property). Unfortunately my Sainted Mother still lives in the house I grew up in, a mere 15 minute walk away, and thus I get to shovel her sidewalk every time it snows too. And she lives on a corner lot. With a driveway.

My frail physical condition aside, the main question is one of gear: Sure, it’ll be cold out, but snow weather always seems warmer than it actually is (or maybe that’s a tumor making me feel that way, who knows?) and once I get a real wheezing sweat going, being bundled up can become swampy and uncomfortable. And frequent nips from my Survival Flask will only worsen that condition, as I dehydrate and actually lower my core temperature while the alcohol makes me feel otherwise. All this leads inexorably and unfortunately to me shoveling snow with no pants on, in order to stay cool.

There: A shocking glimpse into my personal life. Aren’t you glad you stopped by? And if you live in the area, for god’s sakes come help me shovel. I’ll pay you in unbought copies of Lifers.

J

I have reached that stage of life where waking up is almost impossible. Meaning I’ve somehow reverted to age 14. There was a time when I slept until noon every day I could, but then I grew up and started waking up early on purpose, because I had a lot of stuff I wanted to do. Recently, though, I guess my sleep debt has caught up with me, as waking up is sort of like climbing a mountain.

Thank god for coffee.

So I’m sitting here in wet, snowy Hoboken, coffee steaming, and I’m thinking that I need a new video game. There’s really only one type of video game I’ve ever really loved: The First Person Shooter. I was there when my friend and then-roommate Ken brought home both Wolfenstein 3D and a SoundBlaster card for his PC so we could hear the Nazis scream in German when we shot them, and I was hooked immediately. I’ve played most of the FPS games since then, and no other type of game (aside from Text Adventures) has ever really grabbed me.

The last one I dug into was Portal, which was fantastic, but that was some months ago. I need something new. I’ve been mentally fondling Left 4 Dead from my beloved Valve, but I’ve heard it’s more a co-op game than a single-person game, and I don’t play co-op or multiplayer. Why? Because I have the reflexes of a dead otter. Back in The Day, Ken, my other friend Jeof (those of you who actually read The Inner Swine may know the names) used to go to Ken’s office after hours to play deathmatch games on his office network (first Doom; later Unreal) and here’s how it went for me at first:

ME: <spawns> Hey! Wow! Lookit this!

Jeof: <standing behind me> Hey.

ME: Wha? <turns around>

Jeof: SHOTGUN TO THE FACE

See? Believe me, no one wants me out on the servers, getting cheesed up by every 10-year-old with a frackin cable modem. Besides, hard lessons like that one led me to become that most despised FPS gamer: The Camper. I learned to find a dark, shadowed spot, locate and acquire whatever sniping weapon there was, and just sit back and relax, waiting for someone to wander past me. Muhahahaha!

So, anyone play L4D single-player? Is it worth $50? ‘Cause I won’t be playing it any other way.

J

Ugh, Monday.

Mondays are good for random thoughts. Here’s one:

I’ve never watched the new Battlestar Galactica. I watched the original when I was a kid, and I remember really digging it for a while, and I still think the Cylon design was great. But I have this weird disease when it comes to anything new: I regard it with extreme distrust until someone convinces me it really is good. I think this is a reaction to marketing – I’m convinced that whenever I’m hearing buzz about a great new show/movie/album/book, what I’m really hearing is advertising of some sort.

Then, when someone finally does convince me that something is really good, two years have gone by. It’s sad. I’m like that dimwitted hillbilly who won’t sign nothin’ because he’s convinced he’s being fleeced.

So, when the reboot of BSG came out, I ignored it. I keep hearing how good it is, but it’s just off my radar. I like what I’ve heard, and recently watched a recap over on scifi.com (here) and it does look good. I might one day fire up the dusty DVD player that doesn’t see much use these days and check it out.

One thing that I noticed in this recap is how much of the story is devoted to the romantic entanglements of the characters. I always find this a bit dull in SF/F works. Now, I know that you want your characters to appear human and thus have emotions etc., sure, but I don’t read SF in order to have lukewarm romance, I read/watch it for the frakin’ aliens and technology and mind-warping concepts. I don’t object to the characters being distracted by relationships – indeed, of course, the characterizations are deepened and made more believable and the plotting complicated by the complex relationships – but I also think stories, especially serials, get bogged down by it. Once you introduce a romance to the mix, it can send out silky tendrils through your whole story until you suddenly realize the last 4 chapters were devoted solely to your protagonist staring out a window, sighing.

This of course is not necessarily fair to BSG, which may have a perfectly balanced storyline that uses romance and interpersonal relationships to make the story that much deeper and more satisfying. But then, Mondays are for random thoughts, not fairness.

I am not a morning person.

Someday – possibly during the aforementioned Coffee Apocalypse – I may in fact be forced to start hunting down those of you who are, indeed, Morning People, and destroying you. (I just read a book on Operation Barbarossa and have been infected with the word “destroy”, which is used constantly by German Generals as in We plan to surround the 17th Red Army and destroy it.)

I used to think I wanted to eliminate sleep from my life – like, if they invented a way to safely never sleep again. I was fascinated by the time I’d get back. Hours and hours, every day! I’m a guy who needs 8 hours every night. If I skimp even a little, I feel like a dead man for days afterward, so the idea of getting back 1/3 of my life through modern chemistry or dangerously experimental brain surgery seemed attractive. Nowadays, not so much – I like sleep. I guess this is part of getting older. When I was 20, not sleeping meant more time for boozing and carousing mixed with more work. Now it would mean more time spent flipping cable channels and complaining. The attraction, she is gone. Plus, there are times – like hangovers – when sleeping is a blessing.

I wonder, if the technology was available and safe, how many folks would sign up to never sleep again. And if they did,  would that force the rest of us to do the same just to keep up? Man, that would irritate me. I resent all other humans now. I can’t imagine if you were keeping me up twenty-four hours a day.

J

The kick-ass producer of Seven Second Delay sent me a few photos taken at last Wednesday’s show (taken by Jeff Moore):

Superstar Jeff Trying to Look Pensive While Dori Plays

(more…)

I am starting to realize that my whole life revolves around liquids: Without coffee in the morning, I would be a zombie. Without whiskey in the evening, I would be insufferable (After reading something by absent friend Diamat, I suddenly have a craving for Rittenhouse Rye).

I am also toying with the idea that you can add the word “Apocalypse” to anything and create a cool doomsday scenario. COFFEE APOCALYPSE, people. See? Catchy. I sooooo want an Internet meme.

Of course, coffee wasn’t always with us humans, was it? And it may someday be replaced. You have to think about these things when you write SF – what will future humans (or their Giant Alien Ant Overlords) imbibe in the morning to regain sanity? Surely science will gift us with something more efficient than caffeine-suffused broth. Then again, have you seen some of the new-fangled food technologies? <Shudder> No thanks. Still one has to imagine these things, especially if you consider how much work and effort goes into getting your morning java to you. If your SF imagination tends to run dystopic, like mine does, you have to consider a horrible world without coffee, and the terrors it would hold.

But, not today, folks. Not today.

J