Jeff Somers (www.jeffreysomers.com) was born in Jersey City, New Jersey and regrets nothing. He is the author of Lifers, the Avery Cates series published by Orbit Books, Chum from Tyrus Books, and We Are Not Good People from Pocket Books. He sold his first novel at age 16 to a tiny publisher in California which quickly went out of business and has spent the last two decades assuring potential publishers that this was a coincidence. Jeff publishes a zine called The Inner Swine and has also published a few dozen short stories; his story “Sift, Almost Invisible, Through” appeared in the anthology Crimes by Moonlight, published by Berkley Hardcover and edited by Charlaine Harris. His guitar playing is a plague upon his household and his lovely wife The Duchess is convinced he would wither and die if left to his own devices.
Friend, are you in the doldrums? Has your idea factory shut down?
Have you been working on the same scene in your WIP for six months
with the end result being 500 fewer
words than when you began?
We’ve all been there. Even me,
despite being more or less a genius and one of those prolific
assholes who routinely writes 3 books a year just to be smug about
it. Although, it hasn’t
happened to me recently;
the last time I had what could be described as a Doldrums Moment was
about two decades ago, a protracted period of emptiness where I
couldn’t even get a short story going. It was one of the most
frustrating and terrifying moments of my life.
Because, as I’m sure you all know, there’s the fear that whatever weird chemical imbalance in my brain or specific experiential weirdness that unlocked this creativity might go away. The mysterious spark that makes me able to tell stories and invent people and build worlds isn’t under my control, after all. I was born with it or it was baked into me by forces I was most certainly not directing at the time. As a result, it might disappear at any moment. We’ve all read a new book by an old favorite author and thought, well, that was disappointing and then watched in horror as every new work by that author also disappoints and you realize they’ve lost it, whatever ‘it’ gets defined as.
That could be me, and it could be
you, and so the Doldrums terrify us. If we’re not working on
something that feels good and strong, the possibility that we wrote
our last good piece yesterday starts to loom.
I got out of my doldrums twenty
years ago and have prevented them ever since with the application of
two things. One is constant work—writing a story every month,
always having a file open somewhere. That keeps things percolating.
The other crucial step is shaking things up.
Crisis and Opportunity
Shaking things up can mean
different things to different writers, but fundamentally it calls for
forcing yourself to work and think differently, either temporarily or
as part of a fundamental shift. When I feel a little stale, I try any
or all of the following strategies:
New implements—write a
novel in longhand? Why not. Write a short story by dictating into my
phone? Might work! The point is, force your brain to forge new
connections by working with novel mechanics.
New genre. If you’ve
been writing nothing but noir detective stories for 20 years, the
effort involved in writing a comedic fantasy might be just what you
need to shock your creative battery into new life.
New experiments. I
personally get very fixated on finishing things—which I regard as,
overall, a superpower for any writer, as you can’t sell/publish
what you don’t finish. But,
sometimes getting away from that and just writing scenes or dialogs
or fun little bits is a tonic.
New projects. If the
fiction writing starts to feel like heavy lifting, I’ll start a
new creative project, which doesn’t have to be writing. I compose
and record songs for my own amusement. I started a podcast this
year. Sometimes I create book covers just for fun, or cut trailers
for my stories using free stock video. Rechanneling your creativity
away from writing lets your brain do some subconscious work in the
background.
Change in schedule.
Grinding can get work done, but following the same routine day in
and day out can make writing feel like a chore. Take a day off, then
pick a new time to write, see how it goes. You can always go back,
but the disruption might be revelatory.
None of these are guaranteed to
work, but so far they usually do. And you can
always go back to your original schedule or process
once you’ve gotten past your doldrums.
Did I forget to mention alcohol?
Because yes, sometimes the best way to shake it up is to drink a
bottle of bourbon and wake up in a dumpster wearing a funeral suit.
So, I can’t quit Avery Cates, and the last experiment in form — writing a novel as a series of novellas that linked together — was so much fun, and so successful, I’ve decided to do it again.
Like last time, the plan is to write this story in several big chunks which will then be collected into an omnibus like The Shattered Gears. Each separate novella will be released independently so you can either read them as I drop them, or wait for the collected novel, which will be titled The Burning City. The first part is The New World, and it’ll hit online stores on May 15th. This is a direct sequel to The Shattered Gears; there will be one more book after this, as well.
Beyond The New World, I don’t have a clear schedule. These will get written as time permits, so I can’t say when exactly the next part will come, or when the omnibus will turn up. Watch this space and I’ll keep y’all apprised.
In the mean time, you can pre-order The New World for 99 cents at Amazon, B&N, Kobo, and (soon) Google Play. Huzzah!
It happens to the best of us: You’re writing, making progress in a story, and suddenly you realize that you’re missing a piece of real-world information. Like, say, you’re writing a story about an aspiring singer, and you’ve got an idea for a scene where they practice a song in the privacy of their room, and you realize you don’t really know what kind of song they would choose to practice. Or you’re writing a spy thriller and your character needs to buy a gun, and you realize you have no idea what kind of gun they would choose or even what the considerations are.
Hey, it happens. We can’t know everything. No matter how widely you read, travel, and interrogate alarmed strangers on public transportation, no writer can know every single thing that might seem like it belongs in your story. And a really bad habit a lot of young writers is to stop what they’re doing in order to ask for suggestions on what detail to include.
Dear Hive Mind
On the one hand, this is just research, right? It’s something a huge number of writers do in order to get the real-feel aspect of their writing on point. And that’s true, and there’s nothing wrong with doing a bit of research to get your facts straight. And with the Internet it’s soooo easy to stop writing and just ask a million strangers what they think.
What I advise against, however, is stopping cold to poll the room or the Internet for a suggestion. All this accomplishes is ruining your flow and rhythm, taking you out of your story and holding you up while you debate what’s probably an unimportant detail in your story. Because if it’s important, then you probably would have encountered while conceptualizing your idea. If you’re knee-deep in the narrative before you realize you’re lacking, like, crucial information, you’re doing it wrong.
Another reason to avoid this is that it can easily become an excuse to give up, or at least take an extended break. The Internet is enough of a distraction. Don’t go down a rabbit hole about what kind of shoes your main character would wear to a cocktail party unless those shoes are the murder weapon or something.
And if it’s not crucial, it’s not worth stopping for. Put in a placeholder and fix it in revision.
Pausing to have a drink and stare heroically off into the distance, pondering your work-in-progress? That’s fine. And kind of sexy.
Through my literary agency, I was invited to offer a few remarks at a high school induction ceremony for the National English Honor Society. Of course I agreed, because I love any opportunity to put on an adult suit of clothes and pantomime competence. And also any opportunity to make a speech, because listening to myself talk is hella fun.
Here I am speechifying; tell me it’s not hot:
Pants? I’ll never tell.
It’s interesting to note how the high school experience, at least in this narrow way, is exactly as I remember it. Aside from the security on the entrance, things don’t seem to have changed much since my day, despite the constant sense you get as a middle-aged person that the Youth have strayed onto darker paths than you could have imagined at their age, and are evolving into strange creatures you can’t possibly understand. The kids sitting, bored to tears, during this induction ceremony were exactly like me and my friends when we were that age. It was … oddly comforting.
It always amazes me that I’m asked to make remarks and then no one wants to vet those remarks before I make them, especially when I’m known for talking about drunkenness and pantslessness and those remarks will be directed at children. And yet this is what happened. For my speech, I decided to put a button on the whole competency issue by talking about my own lack of it, but the ultimate point I tried to make was that English and language skills are fundamental to just about every industry. You hear a lot about how to make a living and career choices, but what’s often lost is that being able to read and write with skill and efficiency is absolutely a superpower no matter what industry you wind up in. Anyone who’s had to parse the gibberish emails of colleagues will know what I mean.
Anyways, here’s the speech I made:
First of all I’d like to congratulate all of you for this achievement—you should be proud of yourselves and very smug about this. And I’m kind of an expert in being smug, something my wife will confirm for you if you want, so I know when it’s a good time for smugness, and this is one of them.
And I know that it must really mean something to you, hearing it from me, person you’ve never heard of before. But I know what I’m talking about here, because I’m one of you. I’m one of those people who started reading big adult books when they were kids, one of those people who started writing stories when they were nine years old. I even sold a novel when I was sixteen, though it never published due to an incompetence singularity so powerful it destroyed several careers.
But words and writing had been so good to me in my childhood, so when the time to go to college, I naturally chose to earn a degree in English, mainly because I’d already read all the books. I started to understand how powerful it is to have this sort of grasp and control over words when my a professor in a 200-level class accused me of plagiarism because I was too good at mimicking the style and tone of the reference books I was using. I offered to show him other examples of my writing to prove it was my work, and when he saw the stack of manuscripts I brought in he instantly gave in and changed my grade. The kicker? The writing that seemed too good to be mine got a B. But I knew then that being able to write was an advantage over most other people.
After graduation, unfortunately, my parents informed me very sadly that seeing as I was legally an adult with a college degree, they could no longer pay my bills, and so I had to get a job. Which is when I discovered that I am a man afflicted by what scientists call No Marketable Skills Syndrome. Which is something else my wife can confirm for you, if my performance up here isn’t confirmation enough.
I’m not athletically gifted, which I know surprises you based on my appearance here. But the fact is, when I played Little League as a kid I pioneered the little-known position of Left Out, and the kid playing Center Field used to routinely practice racing over to shag any fly balls hit towards me.
I’m not musically gifted; I’ve been playing guitar for ten years and still can’t do a proper barre chord.
I’m not good with numbers, I can’t program, and I have the hand-eye coordination of a rock, so there was no professional Fortnite playing in my future—especially since I don’t play any video games that don’t have a God Mode. I’ve got really poor attention to detail; I was once fired from a job in a convenience store because I could never stock the sodas correctly in the cooler, and believe me when I say that stocking the sodas in the cooler was not difficult. I’ve also got a strong tendency to space out and daydream during lectures, meetings, and disciplinary hearings called to address my tendency to space out and daydream. As my sainted wife will tell you, I’m virtually unemployable.
And yet, here I am, making this speech, which obviously means I am successful and important, because unsuccessful and unimportant people do not, as a rule, get to make speeches. The reason I’m up here making a successful and important speech despite having no marketable skills or, apparently, fashion sense, is simple: Like you, I pursued English, and the skills that mastery over language have given me have enabled me to publish ten books and dozens of short stories, to sell film and TV options on several of those books and stories, and to make my living as a writer for websites like Barnes and Noble’s book blog, for magazines like Writer’s Digest, and for corporate clients writing terrible things I am largely ashamed of.
Because, here’s the thing: English, the stuff you’ve learned here in school and that you’ll hopefully continue to learn, is a superpower. No kidding. You’ll have to take my word this despite the fact that I just used the phrase ?the stuff’ instead of some creative and well-crafted metaphor.
Here’s a few things that will happen because of what you’ve learned here in school and will continue to learn going forward:
1. People will assume you are smart, whether you are actually smart or not. Again, I know this from personal experience as a not-very smart person who has been given the nickname Shakespeare more times than he can count. Also the nickname Einstein. It’s always Shakespeare or Einstein. I’m not sure why Einstein; I guess he’s the only other really smart person people can think of off the top of their heasds. People see you reading a book or writing in a notepad, and they just assume you’re brilliant. It’s really useful.
2. You’ll be able to see through people and know what they’re really thinking. This is because most people don’t have the skills you’re getting through studying English—deep reading comprehension and the ability to write effectively and efficiently. Whether it’s emails, texts, or angry, anonymous notes left on your windshield, no one’s gonna be able to get anything past you in this life. At the same time, you’ll be able to fool everyone because of your language skills. Think about that for a moment: If you happen to be a sociopath—and science tells us that there’s a very good chance at least some of you are—that means you’re practically Lex Luther already.
3. People will pay you to write things and read things for them, because they can’t. Or don’t want to. You won’t want to believe this, because for folks like us who have this mastery over language reading and writing seems easy, so the idea that someone will pay you, for example, tens of thousands of dollars for the right to publish a book you wrote in your spare time in-between a heavy schedule of playing video games and napping will strike you as a ridiculous fantasy.
But the thing is, these things are extremely difficult for a great many people, and so it does, in fact, happen. Even to people who have No Marketable Skills. Because writing is fundamental to everything. Everything begins with words. Every movie, TV show, and video game begins with a stack of memos and outlines and instructions. Every product begins with research papers and more memos and emails and reports. Music—even music without lyrics—requires language to be arranged and performed and composed. Every business and academic endeavor is fueled by words, and the people who can write those words and the people who can easily digest and comprehend them are absolutely necessary to their success. With the skills you’ve acquired and will acquire, there isn’t an industry in the world that doesn’t need you—possibly in a hidden, non-glamorous sort of way that will be forever disappointing, but still.
Of course, I am duty-bound to also inform you of the downsides to this life, which mainly boils down to the social shunning you’ll experience because you won’t be able to ignore bad writing. You’ll become that person who complains about plot holes, idiot dialog, and undercooked themes in movies and TV shows. People will stop inviting you to things because you can’t stop talking about how the ending of Us makes no sense—just incomprehensible nonsense that gets increasingly incomprehensible the more Jordan Peele makes attempts in interviews to explain it. Trust me—these sorts of observations do not make you very popular.
Look; its lonely being the smartest person in the room, but thanks to what you’ve achieved here, that’s gonna be your cross to bear. Once again: congratulations!
About ten years ago, I started playing guitar. I’d always wanted
to learn, beginning back in high school when it was still the
ultimate in cool. But I am a very lazy person, and the costs in terms
of time and money turned into one of those things that I never got
around to. And even when I came into possession of a cheap,
hand-me-down acoustic guitar I didn’t do anything serious with it,
because the idea of actually engaging a tutor to learn seemed like an
impossible social leap, and the Internet did not quite exist back
then so there wasn’t a guitar channel on Youtube to do some
self-learning.
After hearing me whine about this, The Duchess finally bought me some lessons and forced me to go, and it was awesome. I actually learned to play! And then, because of who I am, I decided I wanted to start composing and writing songs. I downloaded some software and bought some equipment, and set up my own little desktop studio, complete with drum apps and midi keyboards, and I began making music.
Terrible, horrible music.
Beginner’s Crap
Look, any time you start a new activity or discipline, you’re
bound to suck. No one just picks up a guitar and understands
instinctively how to shred. It’s the same with writing, really—your
early efforts are going to suck
with a capital ‘S.’
But when I recorded my first
recognizable song, I wasn’t depressed because it sucked. I wasn’t
aware that it sucked,
at least not on one level. On another, very sober level, sure, I knew
it was awful. But there was a part of me that was just so jazzed that
I’d done it, that
I’d created a song, a composition, all on my own, that I was super
excited about it.
It’s the same with writing.
That first story maybe sucked, but I
wrote it anyway, and I was so excited to have finished a story I
didn’t dwell on whether it was any
good or not. I kind just assumed it was good and moved on to the next
story.
That last bit is the key—the
insane overconfidence that makes you think that the thing you just
wrote is actually awesome, even if it is objectively not.
Years later, you might come across that story and realize with
dawning horror that it is, in
fact, terrible. But that’s something for Future You to deal with.
In the present, the key to creating is to just assume what you’re
doing is great and worry about making that conform to reality later.
Everyone’s
first attempts suck. It’s okay. And yes, sometimes your later
attempts suck, too.
Writing a story is all about
balance. You have to provide the reader with character backstories,
world-building, a plot, and a clear protagonist who has a clear goal
that is obstructed by a clear antagonist. Okay, maybe it doesn’t
have to that
clear—some writers make a beautiful meal out of subtlety and
uncertainty—but in general you have to give your reader something
to hang onto, a relatively clear path to follow.
For a lot of writers, they take
that to mean they have to establish the protagonist/antagonist
dynamic very early on and then structure the plot immediately around
that conflict. Like, if your hero is introduced in Chapter 1, your
villain has to show up in Chapter 2 and there has to be a clear
conflict between them right away.
This isn’t true, though. In
fact, it’s perfectly okay to obfuscate your central conflict, and
it’s perfectly okay to take your time defining the
protagonist/antagonist relationship—or to even change it in the
middle.
The Hate You Give
There isn’t any rule that says
you have to set up your central conflict right away. I’ve started
re-watching Deadwood
in anticipation of the film they’re finally releasing, offering
fans some much-desired closure after all these years. And what’s
interesting is that exactly none
of the central conflicts that will come to define the series are set
up in the first episode in any but the smallest of ways. There are
lower-case ?c’ conflicts there, but none of the main-event
conflicts, and you’d be hard pressed to put your thumb on who,
exactly, the antagonist or protagonist is going to be.
There’s a lesson there. Letting
your characters and setting breathe a bit, trusting
your readers to find interesting what you find interesting about your
universe—these are good instincts. Rushing into declaring a thumb
war between two characters just because you feel under pressure to
get your conflict set up is bad writing, or at least it often is. Can
you make the argument that many novels are successful because
they don’t waste time setting up the conflict and the protagonist
and antagonist? Sure! Of course. As I’ve often said, there are no
rules. All that matters is that you can pull off what you seek to
achieve.
The
point is, don’t put artificial pressure on yourself to gin up a
conflict. It’s okay to take your time, and it’s okay to bury that
lede a little—just have a plan. Having a plan is pretty much the
answer to every writing problem out there, just like two fingers of
whiskey is the answer to just about every personal problem I’ve
ever had.
You might be surprised to read this, friend, but I was not always friends with alcohol. Oh, I always wanted to be friends with alcohol, but it took me a long time to find my way in. Much of my wasted youth was spent fighting with alcohol, because I hadn’t yet found my true calling within it (whiskey). There were many evenings wasted drinking lite beer and other, worser things. Worser than lite beer? It’s possible. You just have to dig down into the Jagermeister-level stuff.
The Golden Road
Today I stand before you a disciple in the Church of Whiskey. Sure, I’ll drink anything, especially if it’s free, but whiskey is my first and dearest love. When I was a callow young man, though, I hadn’t yet figured this out, so I experimented, and almost killed all of my friends (and myself) in the process.
See, I knew there was a whole universe of booze out there I hadn’t yet figured out, and I craved that knowledge. I wanted to be that guy who walks into a swanky bar and just orders something very sophisticated and cool, but I was stuck ordering Coors Lite. Once when I was twenty-three and feeling saucy I ordered a Depth Charge without really understanding what is was, and things went … poorly. So I decided I would have to do some research, and I further decided I would do that research via parties that I threw.
This was a mistake.
Party the First: Ti Many Martoonis. My first foray into cocktails was a Martini party. Martinis seem inherently cool. First, the James Bond thing. Second, the sleekness of the drink: Two ingredients, unless you count the olive and possibly the olive juice for a Dirty Martini. It just screamed the sort of drink that grown-ups swilled while discussing, I don’t know, escrow and the Cold War. So I invited everyone over for a Martini party and grabbed some recipes for Martinis from the Internet. I think I had a Dirty Martini, a Chocolate Martini, a classic, and I had some gin on the side just in case some communists showed up and didn’t want vodka.
I woke up on party day sick as a dog. Like, seriously ill. I should have canceled the party and focused on making a last will and testament, but in what may be the worst example of trying an attempted mind over matter, I decided not to cancel. So a couple dozen people showed up, and I mixed up Martinis while on the verge of throwing up for several hours. At one point I actually retired to another room to lie down, because I thought I was about to die.
To this day I can’t abide Martinis or vodka. Or, ironically since it’s a mainstay of the Avery Cates universe, gin.
To say that the Martini experiment was a disaster is being kind to disasters. Although the bitter taste of humiliation saved me, I think, from being lured into a life of vodka-swilling, and thank god. Did my friends all wisely ghost me and refuse all future invitations? They did not. At least, not then. Since then? Sure, I haven’t seen anyone in ages.
The New Year’s Eve Shots Massacree. My next stab at alcohol sophistication came a while later, when I decided to hijack a friend’s NYE party in order to mix up a variety of fanciful shots. Shots are only acceptable when you’re young, in my opinion; the combination of Challenge Accepted! Syndrome and the obvious goal of not actually enjoying what you’re consuming is very on-brand for being young and stupid. And I was very young and very stupid.
My shot menu was disgusting. There was a Bubblegum Shot, which I can tell you right now was both extraordinarily accurate in terms of taste and extraordinarily horrifying in terms of basic human decency. There was also that time-honored Basic Bitch of shots, the Kamikaze. After that things get hazy, because even when you’re young and stupid shots are never meant to be the focus. For god’s sake, they’re designed to get you quickly inebriated so you can then slow down and enjoy yourself.
We … did not do that. The end of the evening looked like a zombie apocalypse movie. To this day I can still taste that Bubblegum shot, and my stomach flips when I think about it.
Did all these terrifying experiences drive me to the homely, Deadwood-esque simplicity of whiskey? Damn right it did. It also serves as the figurative slave leaning in behind me and whispering ‘remember, you are mortal’ every time I walk into a bar and decide that tonight is the night I give Dylan Thomas a run for his money. Because every time I think about drinking a bit too much, I taste bubblegum.
So! A few days ago I added a short story to Curious Fictions. This is the 7th story I’ve added there, but this one is a bit different: It’s previously unpublished. As in, you’ve never seen it anywhere. Oh, full disclosure: I did post it on this wee blog a few years ago, but none of you read it. If you want to read it now, you’ll have to subscribe to me on CF.
Subscriptions at CF start at $2, and I do get a cut of that. I figure what I’ll do going forward is I’ll add one or two stories there every month. A few might be put up for free (I have 6 other stories there that you can read for free if you want!) but most will be subscriber-only. A man has whiskey to purchase, after all.
These will be unpublished stories – stories I failed to sell, stories I thought were too weird to sell, stories I like for inexplicable reasons. If you dig my fiction in general, I think this might be worth $2 to you. Or $5. Or $10. Or maybe you’d like to come to my house and pour whiskey directly into my mouth? I am okay with that.
It’s an absolute truth that first drafts in general suck,
whether we’re talking about the first draft of a single line or the
first draft of an entire novel. First stabs are rarely polished and
sensible, and are frequently so awful as to be the basis of
scientific proof that you cannot and should not write.
The Electric Church was my second published novel, and both my third and 17th completed novel (the first draft was my third novel, but the version eventually published 14 years later had a lot of water under the bridge and so was really a wholly separate novel). And believe me, all that work was necessary—and I’m saying that as a guy who generally likes his first drafts. The fact is, first attempts are often terrible, because you’re feeling your way through the darkness—you don’t yet know what’s going to work. There’s a lot of daylight between theory and practice—in your head, some literary technique or trick might work, but when you try to put it to paper it all falls apart.
This
can be a low point for a writer. You have a great idea, you start to
work on it, and then you realize it’s not working. It might, in
fact, be terrible. The real trick here is to be okay with that. The
trick is to embrace the suck.
The Only Way Out is Forward
The hardest thing to do is
realize that your work isn’t great but keep going.
Embracing the suck isn’t just about understanding that early
efforts are often ragged and imperfect. The real secret is to resist
the urge to toss everything you’ve done and start over, because
that’s the recipe for never finishing a project. It’s perfectly
reasonable to want to toss everything into a garbage can and set it
on fire when you realize your work sucks, but the legit secret to
making progress is to resist that urge.
The trick is, revise, don’t
restart. If you’re someone who gets frustrated the moment your
prose isn’t 100% pure gold, if you get stuck re-writing the first
sentence a thousand times, if you abandon projects at
the halfway point because they’re not what you imagined initially
you’re going to struggle to finish anything, because the way you
get that prose as close to perfect as possible is to finish a draft,
then go back to the beginning and polish. And then repeat.
Full disclosure: As noted above,
I’m not much of a reviser. I tend to like my drafts—but I do
revise. My revision efforts tend to be pretty focused; while I like
75% of my draft, the 25% I don’t love is usually threaded
throughout the whole thing, and I address it. If I have a section in
the middle of a chapter that is obviously not working, I don’t just
toss the whole chapter or novel out—I struggle through it and leave
it behind. Then I go back and work on it.
Of course, some writers do
restart every time they drift from the mark, and they also produce
plenty of publishable material. That last part is the key—are you
finishing stuff? Do
you have polished, publication-ready material at the end of the day?
If yes, you can ignore this. You do you. If no—ask yourself if you
need to lower the bar for a first pass.
I apply this to liquor as well,
of course. Sometimes you order a dank beer that is absolutely awful,
and some people give up and order something else. I push through. In
other words, I am the hero in this situation.
In the wake of this ridiculous and infuriating scandal concerning
rich, famous people spending huge amounts of money to get their
shiftless, dead-eyed children into top schools via an array of Benny
Hill-level ruses, I am of course
moved to ponder my own college experience. Which was largely
uneventful; I wasn’t particularly interested in college, certain as
I was that I would soon be a famous cult writer raking in millions
from devoted fans, but I went because my parents made it clear that
my alternatives all involved uniforms and asking people if they
wanted fries with that.
I diligently did the
applications, essays, and interviews, and got into some pretty decent
schools, but wound up going to Rutgers for the in-state tuition and
relative nearness of home, because I am lazy and timid. I also
arranged to room with a kid from my high school, which meant my
entire Freshman Year was essentially a waste of time, because all we
did was delve into an ever-deeper simulated universe of our own
making. We stayed in our room, made hilarious recordings to send home
to our friends, and had deep
conversations. We did not really attend many classes.
Yes, I was an asshole.
I don’t want to talk about
grades or the socioeconomics of higher education or the fact that
bachelor’s degrees in non-STEM fields are pretty much just coupons
for entry-level jobs because they demonstrate you can wake up, hold
to a schedule, and perform soul-killing tasks with aplomb.
No, I want to talk about Manhunt.
The Least Dangerous Game
You know: Manhunt. That slightly
more mature version of Hide and Seek that adds an element of fascism
and mob mentality to keep things exciting: One person starts off as
?it,’ the others hide. When It finds you, you also become ?It’
until it’s everyone hunting for the last person.
Old friends from high school
visited one day in the fall, and since we were on an
isolated campus with no alcohol or anything to do (and this was
before Internet, people. Before. Internet.)
we decided to go to the golf course on campus at night and play a
game of Manhunt. In theory,
this was a madcap, kooky thing to do—we had to register
for the draft, and here we are playing a kids’ game! WE’RE
HILARIOUS—and in practice it
was, you know, kind of fun. Until we lost someone.
We kicked the game off: Someone
started off as ?It’ and the rest of us scattered while they
closed their eyes and counted. Some of us had clever ideas, like
climbing trees, and some just relied on the shadows and terrain. One
by one we were all caught … except one guy. Let’s call him Hanzo.
Hanzo was nowhere to be found.
For a while this was exciting—Hanzo had found the greatest hiding
spot of all time! Then it became boring. Then it became worrying. We
gave up on the game and started shouting Hanzo! MANHUNT is
OVER!
But Hanzo would not emerge from
his hiding place. We began to hate Hanzo. He was ruining our
night—possibly, if he was found facedown in a pond or something,
our entire lives. Despite
this reasonable fear we put in about an hour of searching and then
returned to the dorms … where Hanzo was hanging out with another
friend of ours, eating chips and watching TV. He’d gotten bored
because of his hiding skilz, and simply wandered home.
We collectively chose to not
speak to Hanzo for the rest of the evening. He now claims not to
remember the incident.
What’s the point? Just that I
was both an asshole and
an idiot when I was in college. All I can say is, thank goodness
Instagram didn’t exist.
