Author Archive: jsomers

Jeff Somers (www.jeffreysomers.com) was born in Jersey City, New Jersey and regrets nothing. He is the author of Lifers, the Avery Cates series published by Orbit Books, Chum from Tyrus Books, and We Are Not Good People from Pocket Books. He sold his first novel at age 16 to a tiny publisher in California which quickly went out of business and has spent the last two decades assuring potential publishers that this was a coincidence. Jeff publishes a zine called The Inner Swine and has also published a few dozen short stories; his story “Sift, Almost Invisible, Through” appeared in the anthology Crimes by Moonlight, published by Berkley Hardcover and edited by Charlaine Harris. His guitar playing is a plague upon his household and his lovely wife The Duchess is convinced he would wither and die if left to his own devices.

More Shit I Gotta Do

Author: August 11, 2008

Let’s see, what have been up to? I know you’re all fascinated.

First off, revisions to The Eternal Prison have gotten, er, involved. Has this ever happened to you: You write the world’s greatest book, nice and pulpy, perfect in every way, and then someone gives you a tiny bit of reasonable feedback about it and you think, damn, that’s a good idea, so you start tugging at the careful knots and patterns you’ve created, trying to slip in a few modest new threads, and then things come unraveled and you realize you have to work in some supplementary materials. . .which emphasizes a character you’d left in the background. . .which means you have to give that character more flesh and background. . and before you know it you’ve written War and Fucking Peace, except less coherent and with more future (not to mention unicorn)?

Dammit, that’s what’s happening here. The extremely good ideas fed to me in reaction to my first final draft has inspired me to basically write a whole new book of new material. This is either genius or the end of my career as Wildly Popular Novelist.

Erm, moderately popular novelist? Novelist? Moving on. . .

I’ve got another web site, www.innerswine.com which is the Intarweb home of my zine, The Inner Swine. It’s been live since the late 1990’s and had grown to absolutely amazing proportions, filled with archives of old issues, columns written, and a million static pages of various cruft. This weekend I lopped most of it off and transformed it into a clean archive for the zine. I’m still publishing the zine, and the web site will still have the latest issue and archives of the old issues, as well as occasional bits of news that are zine-specific, but I’ll be doing all my lazy, unfocused BS writing here from now on. I just can’t populate two web sites, a 20,000 word quarterly zine issue, short stories and novels any more. I AM NOT A YOUNG MAN ANYMORE.

The column I used to write for the TIS web site was called More Shit I Gotta Do. It’s theme was. . .all the shit I have to do on a daily basis. For those who have not been following my writing career, I am a lazy, lazy man, and my ideal existence would be sitting on a bean-bag chair with a laptop balanced on my belly, having tumblers of whisky brought to me by trained Helper Monkeys. Every day where I have to actually perform tasks is torture, and so just about anything can be the subject of a column. Had to buy groceries? That’s a column. Had to leave the house once this month? That’s a column. It’s genius.

I think I’ll start posting those here. Probably not too often, and I won’t mock the universe by proposing a schedule. But they’ll start popping up here, just wait and see.

Or, as most of you appear to be doing, ignore my blog completely and make fun of me in private forums.

L
J

Handsome, Ruthless and Stupid

Author: August 2, 2008

Some random thoughts:

Over at SF Signal, one of the commenters on the Mind Meld I participated in yesterday noted that most of the people giving examples were white men, and most of the examples they gave were the works of white men. Putting aside the fact that we don’t know how many women or other ethnicities were invited to participate and perhaps did not respond, I always find these kinds of examinations interesting. In the same way, I sometimes notice halfway through a movie that every single character in the film is white, or black, and from that moment on I’m more obsessed by the monochrome nature of the film than anything else.

Personally I don’t think I’m a sexist, but perhaps I am and don’t realize it. We all think we’re wonderful people, when in fact most of us are complete kneebiters. But that’s beside the point.

The question was to give an example of SF/F worldbuilding that I thought was genius, and I used Pohl’s Heechee books as my choice. I could have used Julian May’s Pliocene/Milieu books as my example; it’s just that as I scanned my bookshelf I happened to notice Pohl’s books first and thought damn, Pohl’s worldbuilding was fantastic and I fired off my response. If I’d glanced at a different shelf, I might have added one more woman to the list.

This makes me think about women writers I would give a limb to be in the same writing class as. Aside from May, there are plenty of female writers from various genres who have rocked my socks off, and continue to do so – like Barbara Tuchman, Agatha Christie, Patricia Highsmith (perhaps my favorite non SF/F writer currently), or Dorothy Sayers. Of course, anyone who reads should be able to produce a lengthy list of authors of various genders, ethnicities, sexual orientations, and religious affiliations, without trying too hard. If you can’t, you’re probably just not reading enough.

I’ve been trying to learn how to play guitar and speak French. For several years now. I don’t learn easy. Part of this is a stubborn determination to regard human interaction as undesirable, meaning I disdain teachers and tutors and try to do these things by myself, with fairly predictable results. A year ago The Duchess, my suffering wife, bought me some guitar lessons at a local place and marched me over there so she wouldn’t have to listen to my self-invented “chords” and I have to admit I like the teacher and have made astounding progress. I’m no Clapton or Van Halen, but at least I can play something identifiable as a “song”. And I now know what a Power Chord is! and why everyone lurves power chords.

French: Not so much. I’ve been striving to learn merely to speak broken, pidgen French using various audio recording-typ lessons, and while I think I might be able to painfully mumble something a generous and helpful Parisian might be able to understand, I don’t feel very masterful. We’ll see how it goes.

Aside from all that, revisions on The Eternal Prison continue apace, with some surprisingly hefty changes. This happens to me a lot; a minor suggestion or criticism inspires a lot of writing, because I suddenly see how things could be oh so much better, and I’m off to the races. I like what I’m doing, ripping and tearing things apart and pasting them back together. Hopefully my editor will, too.

World Building at SF Signal

Author: July 30, 2008

Hey y’all,

I was recently asked my thoughts on an example of excellent SF/F world building by the good folks over at SF Signal. Go on over and see what I and plenty of folks smarter than me had to say about it. Why not? My god, you’re reading my blog, you can’t have much else to do right now.

,

More Unicorn

Author: July 25, 2008

Well, heard back from my genius editor at Orbit about The Eternal Prison, so the long dark tea-time of my soul begins in earnest. Meaning I have some revisions to make.

Here’s my recollection of the conversation, which should go a long way to illustrating the Exciting Life of a Novelist in These, The End Times:

Genius Editor: Hello! Put on some pants and listen.

ME: Uh. . .pants, pants, pants. . .hold on. . .pants, pants, where the hell–ah! Here’s a pair. Not mine, but will have to do. <grunting noise> Whew! I’ve, uh, gained a few–okay! We’re in. Shoot.

GE: I just got done with The Eternal Prison. Excellent. Best one so far. You’re a genius.

ME: Hooray!

GE: Wait, don’t start drinking yet.

ME: <pausing with bottle in air> Uh, okay.

GE: I could not help but notice that we seem to be missing several chapters. Like, the whole sequence when they visit the Center of the Earth to retrieve the magic ring? Aside from not really being in concert with the universe you’ve created in the first two books, this whole sequence is just not there. At the end of one chapter they say they’re heading to the Center of the Earth, and the next chapter it’s like fifteen years later and that whole adventure is recalled in flashback by the characters. Very few flashbacks. It was very confusing. Was there a Unicorn? Because there was a lot of Unicorn imagery that might have made more sense if we’d been given that part of the story.

ME: Got it: more unicorn. I can do that.

GE: And, frankly, the whole last third of the book seems like ten chapters from a totally different book, just pasted in with the character and place names searched-and-replaced. Which I can tell because the search-and-replacing was sloppy, resulting in Avery Cates being referred to as Avery DorCatesothy throughout. Aside from this sort of unprofessional mistake, the last third of the book, as a consequence, makes absolutely no sense. Suddenly they’re in a zeppelin on an alien planet? And there’s elves?

ME: Uh. . .would more unicorn solve this as well?

GE: No, frankly, it would not. I think you have to re-write the whole last third. You know, so it makes sense.

ME: Uh-huh. Sure, sure. No problem.

GE: Good.

ME: What, exactly, does “make sense” mean, in this context? I really don’t see why more unicorn wouldn’t work here as well. It would, you know, create a visual link between the two sections.

GE: Moving on, I can’t help but notice that several chapters interspersed throughout the manuscript are, in actualilty, Wikipedia entries, simply cut-and-pasted into the file, with no attribution or explanation. The entries don’t even seem to have anything to do with the story. For example, chapter 17 is the entry for the Heavy Metal band Iron Maiden.

ME: Shows what you know. This is deep, Joyce-ian stuff, here. You have to look deeper. I am a genius. Of sorts.

GE: Well, we can’t publish it like this.

ME: Right! I’ve been taking notes. Let’s see. . .basically, you want more unicorn. That’s what I’m getting.

GE: …

ME: Oh! Right. And lose the Wikipedia stuff, despite the fact that that’s the core of the book and will win awards for us. But I should delete the Wikipedia entries. And more unicorn. Got it! When do you need a rewrite? I’m pretty open, I could have it to you by tomorrow morning. Maybe noon, but probably morning.

GE: …

ME: Holy shit, do you think there’s a Wikipedia page on unicorns? Damn, I might have this re-write for you by tonight.

GE: <dial tone>

My memory may not be what it once was, so some of the details may have been fudged in there. Back to work!

,

Book Roasted

Author: July 22, 2008

I am baked to a nice red color after my Book Roast. There was pantslessness, whiskey, and thong underwear, and someone did indeed win a signed copy of The Digital Plague. Truly, a great time to be alive.

Thanks to all the Book Roast folks for a grand time, and I’d encourage everyone to check it out on a regular basis for some book-based fun.

Roastin’ a-comin’

Author: July 15, 2008

TDP, baby!Just a reminder that The Digital Plague is scheduled to be Roasted over at Book Roast in exactly 1 week, on July 22. It ought to be a lot of fun, and I’ll be on the site like a lonely guy at a dance, butting in to every comment and demanding attention. If you’re lucky I’ll still be drunk from the night before, and as a result ashamed and irritable.

Here’s how it works: They’ll post a short excerpt from The  Digital Plague and then 3 questions. The questions are written by the Book Roast folks, not me, and will skew towards the humorous and/or ridiculous. Then people post answers to the questions, and I’ll be monitoring the blog comments and jumping in as well, so feel free to ask me questions or, as I said, insult me (do I know my readers or what?). I will, of course, be sitting at my desk pantsless with a glass of whiskey in my hand and will post photos to prove this if asked. If anyone’s working on the little puzzle over at the TDP web site, I might be induced to offer hints. But only if you’re super nice.

Then, I pick a “winner” who I think answered the 3 questions best – not necessarily correctly, just “best” – and the winner gets a free book. I might get creative with the prize, actually, and if you already own TDP we can figure something out, and naturally I will sign the book as well if asked.

I HAVE ARRIVED

Author: July 14, 2008

Friends, every author dreams of the day that he or she hits the big time. But how do you know you’ve hit the big time? Is it when you don’t have to siphon booze out of your neighbor’s bottles during parties in order to drink like a civilized human being? Is it when you have people on the payroll who do absolutely nothing? Is it when you actually have a payroll? Is it when the police, coming upon you once again pantsless and inebriated on a park bench after a night of “research” for your latest novel, drive you home instead of beating you senseless and forcing you to wash their squad car the next day while you shiver with hangover pain?

No, friends, you know you have hit it big when your novels turn up on file-sharing networks.

That’s right, I am proud to say that if you go looking, you can now find both my novels as HTML files, complete with full text – including copyright notices – and a nice JPG of the cover. I AM HUGE. Now all I need is for someone to start up a fan-made encyclopedia that I can sue, and my fame will be permanent.

Back to “research”.

KGB FANTASTIC FICTION ONLINE RAFFLE

Author: July 12, 2008

As you may have heard I’ll be taking part in the KGB Bar’s Fantastic Fiction reading Series on August 20th. In the mean time, they’re holding a raffle to raise money for this amazing reading series. From what I understand on the night that I read I get to drink for free, so for god’s sake give them the funds needed.

KGB FANTASTIC FICTION ONLINE RAFFLE

New York, NY (July 2008) – The hosts of the KGB Fantastic Fiction reading series in New York City are holding a raffle to help support the series. Well-known artists and professionals have donated prizes (see Partial List of Prizes below) which will be raffled off in July. All proceeds from the raffle will go to support the reading series, which has been a bright star in the speculative fiction scene for more than a decade.

Raffle tickets will cost one dollar US ($1) and can be purchased at www.kgbfantasticfiction.org. You may purchase as many tickets as you want. Tickets will be available from July 14th, 2008 through July 28th, 2008. At midnight on July 28th, raffle winners will be selected randomly for each item and announced on the web. Prizes will be mailed to the lucky winners. (See a more detailed explanation in Raffle Rules).

Partial List of Prizes (a full list is available at the website)

· Story in a bottle by Michael Swanwick
· Tuckerization (your name in a story) by Lucius Shepard
· Tuckerization by Elizabeth Hand
· Tuckerization by Jeffrey Ford
· Pen & Ink drawing of an animal-your choice- by Gahan Wilson
· Original art for a George R. R. Martin novel by Tom Canty
· John Picacio signed print of art for Michael Moorcock novel
· Naomi Novik signed TEMERAIRE first edition
· Your very own wormhole from physicist Michio Kaku
· Peter Straub excerpt of a short story, “Mallon the Guru,” deleted from novel-in-progress, THE SKYLARK
· Holly Black signed advance copy of GOOD NEIGHBORS
· Original art by Terri Windling
· Carol Emshwiller signed manuscript of THE ABOMINABLE CHILD’S TALE
· Complete set of back issues and lifetime subscription to PARADOX MAGAZINE
· Critique of a short story by Ellen Datlow
· Critique of a short story by Gardner Dozois
· Critique of a short story by Nancy Kress
· Two year subscription to SYBIL’S GARAGE MAGAZINE
· Ray Bradbury limited edition worth $900
· And dozens more prizes on the website…

Raffle Information website:
http://www.kgbfantasticfiction.org/?page_id=3

List of All Raffle Items online:
http://www.kgbfantasticfiction.org/?cat=3

Contacts:
Ellen Datlow, KGB co-host, Datlow@datlow.com,
Matthew Kressel, KGB co-host, matt@sensesfive.com,
Mary Robinette Kowal, raffle consultant, mary@maryrobinettekowal.com

Video Goodness

Author: July 8, 2008

I almost forgot about this: A few months ago, when brainstorming how to get folks to pay attention to me (anything short of Daffy Duck’s Trick You Can Perform Only Once is fair game – nudity is fine), I made a little video “trailer” for The Digital Plague. No! Really! Using an array of public-domain stuff, I created a short clip to promote the book.

Then, what happened is, I was in a bar with a bunch of folks from IO9.com and chatting with Annalee Newitz (much to her dismay, no doubt) and mentioned trailers for books, planning to wow her with the fact that I had, indeed, created such a trailer. before I could brag, however, she made a sour face and said that a trailer for a book is possibly the silliest thing she’d ever heard of. This isn’t a quote, since I didn’t take notes, was somewhat drunk, and have a poor memory anyway–it is entirely possible she said something completely different, and I am just remembering it wrong. I also remember wearing a tuxedo and fencing with a large green rat in a purple smoking jacket. It’s tough being inebriated all the time.

Anyway, after having my hopes and dreams of easy promotion crushed right in front of me, I forgot all about the video for a while. Until today, in fact, when, in a brief and shining moment of sobriety, I remembered it. So here it is. Be kind. I bruise easily.

Cats Has Taste

Author: July 7, 2008

Cats Love Me!Consider here this lovely photo sent to me by one Tez Miller from Australia. I’ve always known that cats are the smartest creatures on the Earth (exceeding Dolphins, humans, and even white mice), but here is proof! Tez added this along with the pic: “A photo of my cat Manny with The Digital Plague. Sorry he doesn’t look more enthused – he had to visit the vet today.”

Don’t fret, if you read Tez’s blog you’ll see Manny is fine. Although I think the caption to this photo should be DUBIOUS CAT IZ DUBIOUS ABOUT YER BOOK.