30 ISSUES TO GREATNESS
The Inner Swine Timeline 1995-2003
JEFF SEZ: "Midgets worked cheap but balked at wearing 'Oompa Loompa' costumes, causing Somers, now drunk almost continuously, much woe. The dead monkeys were, of course, eaten."
PIGS, believe it or not we've made it to 2003 without having to check into an alcohol rehab program or falling into the usual pitfalls of zine superstardom (debt, toner poisoning, conviction on petty theft charges, and, of course, kidnapping by stalkers). From time to time it's good to sober up long enough for the blood to disappear from your urine and take stock of your situation. Come with me now as we take a magical journey through the past and review the highlights of The Inner Swine's evolution into the Most Popular Zine not about Cars, Music, What It's Like to Be a 16-Year-Old Girl, and Which Is Also From Hoboken, New Jersey. We nailed that category, bubba.
1993. Four young men gathered in a windowless kithen at 208 Somerset Street in New Brunsiwck, NJ to discuss creating a zine. Rob Gala suggests the name and overarching motto of the publication, and agrees to be the Political Editor, writing about world events and issues. Jeff Somers agrees to be the Fiction Editor, writing short stories for each issue. Jeof Vita agrees to be the Art Editor, creating covers and writing articles about comics, perhaps creating some comics himself. Ken West agrees to be the Technology Editor, providing us use of his mighty 386 PC and writing a column about technology issues. This is the first and last meeting of the four editors, and ended in a fistfight between Somers and West over the last Pizza Roll.
?
1994. No issue yet. After the meeting Jeff Somers retreated into his room with several cases of Olympia beer, and emerged only once, to submit a single short story to the project. Emerging a year later to inquire about the zine's status, he's shocked to discover the apartment's been taken over by monkeys and none of the other Editors is anywhere to b seen. Also, at some point he apparently graduated from college. He returns home to find a job.
1995. Issue 1(1) is released after Rob Gala and Jeff Somers spent a year trying to work together, finally giving up when Gala tips off PETA that Somers has the monkeys working as slave labor in his apartment, and they set off a bomb in his kitchen, destroying most of his liquor supply. By mutual agreement Gala goes on to better things, and Somers take the TIS name and publishes issue #1 using only the cover Jeof Vita created back in 1993, cereal box ad copy, and an essay by his brother Sean. No one notices, and he still has about five issues left from the initial print run.
1996. Issue 2(2) features the first cover by Jeof Vita not drawn by hand. Sadly, over the years Somers, drunk most of the time, has misplaced the original digital files of this cover, so all that remains is this ghostly thumbnail. It was really cool when Vita first created it, trust us. Beginnings of blood-fued between Somers and Gala which would eventually result in attempts on Gala's life and his subsequent flight to Seattle.
1997. The first issue Somers doesn't get embarrassed about when looking back--despite the fact that Dave Mathews' face was used as the cover model. It's not that it's such a particularly great issue, just that for the first time the basic elements of what TIS was had come together in one issue. Also the first time Somers actively tried to create quality material, instead of using whatever was lying around or could be stolen from the Internet.
1997. The first review of TIS is reprinted, beginning a grand tradition of horn-blowing that continues to this day. The review was by Paul T. Olson. The last of the monkeys finally succumbed to cirrhosis of the liver, forcing Somers to employ circus midgets to manufacture the issues. Midgets worked cheap but balked at wearing "Oompa Loompa" costumes, causing Somers, now drunk almost continuously, much woe. The dead monkeys were, of course, eaten.
1998. Issue 4(2) was the first issue carried by Tower Records. Contract negotiations between Somers and clint johns were grueling, finally stalling on Tower's refusal to purchase new monkeys for Somers' private training and use. Tower finally sends Somers a case of Early Times and forges his name on the agreement, and he has yet to realize this fact, despite being paid in marbles.
1998. First issue to ever appear with a cover not created by Jeof Vita. The next issue was the last one to do so. Somers inexplicably proud of his substitute cover, mainly because he figured out how to create a 'turnpage' effect. Whoop-de-frickin-doo. Also marks the last time Somers had sufficient hand-eye coordination to do anything more complex than removing twist-caps and making feeble evil-eye gestures at his (mostly imaginary) enemies.
1999. First appearance of Mr. Mute! Shortly followed by awkward moment when TIS Publisher Cassie Carey asked "Who's Mr. Mute?", breaking Somers' heart in three places. Somers decides then and there to breed race of Super Monkeys so he can avoid heartbreaking humans in all future endeavors. Unfortunately, all of Somers' physics knowledge concerns beer brewing, and initial experiments are a failure. albeit delicious. As are all subsequent experiments.
2002.The Freaks are Winning: The Inner Swine Collection is published and sells about sixteen copies, mostly to Somers' mother. This will likely be viewed as the high-tide mark of TIS by future historians. A peace treaty is agreed to by Gala and Somers, or at least everyone assumes Somers agrees to it, as he is only capable of moving his eyes by this point, and might have been signalling fierce disagreement, or perhaps a desperate need to relieve himself. No one knows. Cha-Cha the Helper Monkey arrives on the scene and steals Somers' heart for a few months...until Cha-Cha's mysterious disappearance, and a sudden weight gain by Somers.
Clockwise from right: West, Somers, Vita, Gala.
2003. Thirty issues in, and the Founding Four meet together for the first time since 1993. Somewhat, uh, larger than they used to be, they no longer have any energy left for petty vendettas and murderous plottings. West, Gala, and Vita agree to replace Somers' long-lost monkeys and serve him. Tearful embraces follow, and then the hauntingly familiar words echo through the house:
"You know, I never really liked you."
"Fuck you--pay me!"
Exciting, no? Starts to make you think there's a good reason most zines don't live much past their third issue. I mean, I think about the sheer amount of booze required to keep me going through the lean times and shudder--I could have died! Thank goodness now I'm fat and rich off of TIS licensing deals. I still drink the same amount, but I can afford to pay younger men to trade blood with me, aging them decades in the process and keeping me alilve. Alive! Muhahahaha!
Ahem, I digress. What I mean to say is: please purchase The Inner Swine. I need the cash.
JEFF SEZ: "Midgets worked cheap but balked at wearing 'Oompa Loompa' costumes, causing Somers, now drunk almost continuously, much woe. The dead monkeys were, of course, eaten."
1993. Four young men gathered in a windowless kithen at 208 Somerset Street in New Brunsiwck, NJ to discuss creating a zine. Rob Gala suggests the name and overarching motto of the publication, and agrees to be the Political Editor, writing about world events and issues. Jeff Somers agrees to be the Fiction Editor, writing short stories for each issue. Jeof Vita agrees to be the Art Editor, creating covers and writing articles about comics, perhaps creating some comics himself. Ken West agrees to be the Technology Editor, providing us use of his mighty 386 PC and writing a column about technology issues. This is the first and last meeting of the four editors, and ended in a fistfight between Somers and West over the last Pizza Roll.
1995. Issue 1(1) is released after Rob Gala and Jeff Somers spent a year trying to work together, finally giving up when Gala tips off PETA that Somers has the monkeys working as slave labor in his apartment, and they set off a bomb in his kitchen, destroying most of his liquor supply. By mutual agreement Gala goes on to better things, and Somers take the TIS name and publishes issue #1 using only the cover Jeof Vita created back in 1993, cereal box ad copy, and an essay by his brother Sean. No one notices, and he still has about five issues left from the initial print run.
1996. Issue 2(2) features the first cover by Jeof Vita not drawn by hand. Sadly, over the years Somers, drunk most of the time, has misplaced the original digital files of this cover, so all that remains is this ghostly thumbnail. It was really cool when Vita first created it, trust us. Beginnings of blood-fued between Somers and Gala which would eventually result in attempts on Gala's life and his subsequent flight to Seattle.
1997. The first issue Somers doesn't get embarrassed about when looking back--despite the fact that Dave Mathews' face was used as the cover model. It's not that it's such a particularly great issue, just that for the first time the basic elements of what TIS was had come together in one issue. Also the first time Somers actively tried to create quality material, instead of using whatever was lying around or could be stolen from the Internet.
1997. The first review of TIS is reprinted, beginning a grand tradition of horn-blowing that continues to this day. The review was by Paul T. Olson. The last of the monkeys finally succumbed to cirrhosis of the liver, forcing Somers to employ circus midgets to manufacture the issues. Midgets worked cheap but balked at wearing "Oompa Loompa" costumes, causing Somers, now drunk almost continuously, much woe. The dead monkeys were, of course, eaten.
1998. Issue 4(2) was the first issue carried by Tower Records. Contract negotiations between Somers and clint johns were grueling, finally stalling on Tower's refusal to purchase new monkeys for Somers' private training and use. Tower finally sends Somers a case of Early Times and forges his name on the agreement, and he has yet to realize this fact, despite being paid in marbles.
1998. First issue to ever appear with a cover not created by Jeof Vita. The next issue was the last one to do so. Somers inexplicably proud of his substitute cover, mainly because he figured out how to create a 'turnpage' effect. Whoop-de-frickin-doo. Also marks the last time Somers had sufficient hand-eye coordination to do anything more complex than removing twist-caps and making feeble evil-eye gestures at his (mostly imaginary) enemies.
1999. First appearance of Mr. Mute! Shortly followed by awkward moment when TIS Publisher Cassie Carey asked "Who's Mr. Mute?", breaking Somers' heart in three places. Somers decides then and there to breed race of Super Monkeys so he can avoid heartbreaking humans in all future endeavors. Unfortunately, all of Somers' physics knowledge concerns beer brewing, and initial experiments are a failure. albeit delicious. As are all subsequent experiments.
2002. The Freaks are Winning: The Inner Swine Collection is published and sells about sixteen copies, mostly to Somers' mother. This will likely be viewed as the high-tide mark of TIS by future historians. A peace treaty is agreed to by Gala and Somers, or at least everyone assumes Somers agrees to it, as he is only capable of moving his eyes by this point, and might have been signalling fierce disagreement, or perhaps a desperate need to relieve himself. No one knows. Cha-Cha the Helper Monkey arrives on the scene and steals Somers' heart for a few months...until Cha-Cha's mysterious disappearance, and a sudden weight gain by Somers.
