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| Figure 1. Sporty little hat well-known communists wear |
PEOPLE who don't publish zines frighten and confuse me. I wonder what they do with their time-probably attending Communist Party meetings, wearing the sporty little hats communists prefer (see figure 1). I also wonder how they spend their money-probably purchasing kittens and puppies for their decadent and evil feasts. Most of all, I wonder what they do with all the office supplies they come into contact with on a daily basis-probably they waste them on boring, unamerican things like financial reports, PowerPoint slides, and, of course, pornography. These people puzzle me, because I've long thought that everyone ought to be publishing zines. All of you. Yes, you. If you're not publishing a zine, you're something scientists like to call a Weenie.
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| Figure 2. Typical Zine Publisher |
I shouldn't warn you about this, of course, because your strange reluctance to do your American duty by publishing a zine has the odd effect of increasing my Cool Factor. I owe you a debt of gratitude, just like I owe a debt of gratitude to a kid we called Slow Walter back in grammar school, who made me look like a genius every time he opened his mouth. Because the Zine gene pool is so small, I manage to look pretty damn cool when compared to your typical Zine Publisher (see figure 2), whereas if all of you jumped into the water I'd quickly drown, as I'm that kid with the shoulder floaties strapped on, blinded by the chlorine and peeing into the water uncontrollably. But because you lack the simple red-blooded desire to fart your every thought onto paper and mail it out to an uncaring world, I look pretty good when compared to the typical Zine Publishers out there.
Of course, nothing attracts people to communism like laziness, and I can already hear some of you pinkos out there claiming you don't publish a zine because you aren't a very good writer, or don't enjoy writing very much, or are iliterate. Bollocks-sorry to burst your bubble, comrade, but not all zines are filled with the tightly-packed handwriting of psychopaths and terrorists-although I'll admit that most, indeed are. Many zines are filled with photos, poetry, or artwork, and some have very few words in them at all. Or at least very few correctly spelled words, spelling and grammar being a trap The Man has set up to keep us down. So a lack of writing ability or ambition is no excuse. Every gun-toting, steak-eating American has a duty to publish underground pamphelts and magazines at their own expense. If you don't publish, the Terrorists win.
Don't claim you don't have the time, either. I know people. I am people. And we people have tons of free time. I think the basic misunderstanding here is that being entertained is not a requirement. Just because you've got sixteen hours of The WB television TiVoed doesn't mean you have no time to put out a zine. We're only given so much time on this Earth, and if you think it's wise to spend a huge proportion of that time watching television, well, then, go with god-just remember, when you watch TV, you watch with Commies. But publishing a zine is a much better use of your time, JimBob, trust me, and here's why.
1. Zines offer you perhaps the only way you're ever going to leave a mark on history. Most people skate through life with no bigger accomplishment than surviving their 21st birthday and the gauntlet of ill-advised booze their 'friends' make them consume. If you think the good folks at Duffy's bar in your old college town are going to remember you for having survived 22 Tequila Fanny Bangers, you're sadly mistaken. Spend a few years writing about Tequila Fanny Bangers, like I have, and the world eventually gets to know you as the Tequila Fanny Banger guy. I have that printed on my business cards, by the way.
2. Zines will make you cool. No, really. The funny thing about nerdy things like writing and publishing zines is that somewhere between junior high and adulthood, they transmorgrify into cool. This is because all the cool kids back in school were so busy being cool they forgot to pay any attention and learn anything, so when they're thirty-five anyone with the ability to write coherently or program their computers takes on the mystic aura of a magician.
3. Publishing a zine often results in perfect strangers sending you cash in the mail. No, really.
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| Figure 3. clint johns |
There you have it, my Red friend, all the reasons you need to march home immediately, scrawl some bad poetry, ill-informed opinion, and lame fiction on some paper and copy it a few hundred times, thus launching a zine and yourself into good old-fashioned American service to your fellow man, who desperately needs things to read in the bathroom. Thanks to clint johns of Tower Magazines (Figure 3), I've been given this opportunity to command the slacking masses in this great country to purchase long-arm staplers and get publishing. Actually, clint johns thought I was writing Blondes, Bombs, and Bourbon: The clint johns Story, and probably wouldn't have allowed the publication of this fine tome if he'd known what was really spending Tower's advance money on. Despite not supporting this project consciously, johns still deserves our thanks.
What follows are some articles and essays I wrote on the subject of zines and DIY publishing over the past few years. The knowledge contained herein is invaluable, and yet we are charging five dollars for it. This is one of the mysteries of the universe, and you'd be best advised to just accept it and move on.
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JEFF SEZ: "Thus launching a zine and yourself into good old-fashioned American service to your fellow man, who desperately needs things to read in the bathroom."