This initially appeared in The Inner Swine Volume 16, Issue 1/2 Summer 2010.
The glamorous life of a writer.
FRIENDS, I occasionally read from my fiction in public, which is surprising, since I am frequently drunk, pantsless, and belligerent. Since I am not a BIG STAR in the literary world, I almost never get to read all by myself, which is good because when I’m sharing a stage I can imagine that the audience hates the other readers and not, as would be my natural assumption otherwise, me.
Sharing the bill with other readers does however present me with another problem: Invariably, I am teamed up with writers who read beautiful, lyrical pieces of prose involving elves or Grey Aliens who contemplate the universe and seek enlightenment, and then I stand up and read a piece that is is 84% the words fuck and cocksucker.
COCKSUCKER BLUES
There is, simply, a lot of cursing in the Avery Cates books. Well, in all my fiction, actually, because, frankly, people curse in real life. I’ve been peppering my speech with cuss words since I was about nine years old, and I was a late bloomer in my neighborhood. I worry about it when I read in public, though; not because my audiences are filled with blue-haired old ladies who will die from shock—the people who actually attend any reading I do are quite prepared for a little cursing—but because I am the blue-haired lady in this scenario. Somehow I become all guilt-ridden and Catholic when I find myself having to shout cocksucker at the top of my voice in a room filled with strangers.
There are three approaches to this situation:
BOWDLERIZE
One, I can bowdlerize my own writing and replace every curse word with its prime-time equivalent, frick for fuck and all that jazz. This has the unfortunate side effect of making me resemble the berries and cream lad.
THE CURSE WHISPERER
Two, I can read the text as is but keep the volume low so I don’t feel like a nun is going to time travel from my past, rap my knuckles, and steal my pants.
GUSTO, MOTHERFUCKER!
Finally, I can read the text as is but emphasize every curse word with something that can only be described as gusto, delighting in the sudden freedom of being able to shout curses at a crowd and not be arrested. Generally I choose the latter as it promises the least humiliation, and everyone seems to enjoy themselves.
####
This hangup only exists when I’m reading out loud to people; when I’m writing I have no problem dropping language so foul it would make your nose hairs burn. In my everyday life I generally go around cloaked in what I have dubbed White Boy Politeness, which is a way of behaving towards people that generally makes folks want to rub your head and call you a good lad, even thirteen-year-old kids who would otherwise be knifing you for meth money.
This sometimes causes a minor bout of mental dissonance when people meet me for the first time just prior to a reading. I am all, shucks, nice to meet you, did you know I was an Eagle Scout? And then I am all fuck you, cocksucker.
Of course, this is nothing compared to my other public reading foible, which is spontaneous and inexplicable pantslessness. So if all you ever experience during one of my readings is some rough language, consider yourself: lucky.
I can talk or read without swearing, but swearing is such a natural part of my speech that I have to really think of it. I pretend I’m at the day job all the time and it helps.
Until someone pisses me off. (sigh)
I was just thinking about the glory days of Borders and sometimes B&N and the locations they usually set aside for their author book readings… right next to their “kids corner”.
I can just see it now, shouting out a big FUCKING COCKSUCKER for the world to hear and then every mother who is tenderly looking over their sweet, precious, little angel who is learning to read the word B.A.L.L.O.O.N, all whip their heads around, a few suffering whiplash, and staring at Jeff with pure unadulterated hate.
At that point, you might as well just go pantsless too.
“Cursing is a sign of low intellect,” says the soccer mom to the phD in geophysics.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” blurts the Doctor. “I suppose being cold makes you catch a cold, too?”
I love the precision of 84%, Accuracy in cursing is always appreciated!
I was at a signing where the woman author read a sex scene.. Not a good memory.
93% of statistics are made up.