So, as almost none of you were apparently aware, I was holding a contest for signed copies of my new novel Chum, and exactly seven folks entered. Perhaps the entry was a bit too convoluted – I admit it.
Live and learn. Or live and drink. Either way, I win.
Still, the entries I did get were wayyyyy cool. I asked people to surf on over to the official Chum Website and leave a guestbook message for the fictional couple that star in the book, Dave and Mary. I planned to award a signed copy of the book to the ten most creative entries. We only got seven total. Apparently I am not as famous and hip as I thought I am.
But the entries I did get were pretty awesome. Here they are, with commentary:
Mary and Dave,
Weddings are a time for celebration, love, and happiness. But let’s be honest here, I just came for the booze and the inevitable trainwreck that we all know is going to happen. Plus, I’d like to add a little salt to the wound while I’m at it because that’s my “thing”. My friends thought it’d be funny to roofie me two weeks ago at some shitty dive and woke up next to your ugly ass soon-to-be groom. Not only am I knocked up with satan’s child, but I got the clap too. So, cheers fuckers! The bill is in the mail.
JEFF SEZ: I give this one points for it’s been-dranking-since-yesterday vibe and reference to Satan. The reference to Roofies is a nice touch.
To Mary and Dave,
You don’t know me, and from what I’ve seen so far, I’m happy about that. I do appreciate the free bar though.
JEFF SEZ: Short and brutal, like the book.
My father once told me that marriage is a beautiful institution, But who wants to be institutionalized. You both might benefit for a long stay at such a place.
But to be fair you two deserve each other for to be with anyone else would be to force a sane person into your world and that is a place fit only for the two of you to reside best wishes
JEFF SEZ: I like the way this one resembles a Best Man Speech from Hell.
Mary, Dave, there really is only one cure all for this problem that you have found yourself in… Danzig. When things in the household go South for a spell, or Dave, you forget to take out the garbage, or Mary, you forget to do something (we all know women always remember everything, so this will have to happen at your discretion. However, it sounds like you’re already around that phase), listen to some Danzig. Blast “Mother”, “I am a Demon”, “Into the Mouth of Abandonment”, or “Do You Wear the Mark”. Have it out on the kitchen floor, while Glen digs into your soul. This can only solve 2 problems for the two of you; You either love every minute of it, or it makes things worse, in which case, what can really go wrong after listening to some Danzig tear out our heart? Trust me, this will bring you two close together, in one way or another. Good Luck, and Mazol Tov!
JEFF SEZ: Points given for mention of Glen Danzig, points deducted for failure to mention The Misfits. All points deducted for mentioning “Mother.”
Congrats, Mary and Dave! (fake smile) You guys are made for each other. (You deserve each other.) We’ll have to get together after your honeymoon trip, it’ll be so nice to spend time together, catching up (no, I really just want to see if you both survive the trip.) Having a great time at your reception! (even though the chicken tastes like it’s been through a colon already.) Love you both! Cheers! (at least the booze is top shelf.)
JEFF SEZ: As might be expected of a talented writer, Patty’s is great and likely would have been one of the winners had we actually had a real contest.
I know you think this is a good idea. I once stuck a gauge splitter in my urethra so I could piss faster because I thought that was a good idea. This is basically the same idea. CHEERS!!!!
JEFF SEZ: <blank stare>
Congratulations to Mary & Dave. May you have a long and inebriated marriage where the beer taps flow freely and the scotch is always in great supply.
May you drink together in happy matrimony and realize that a buzzing mind leads to happiness and contentment the likes of which you cannot and will not find in a marriage of sobriety.
To Mary & Dave. CHEERS!!!
JEFF SEZ: This one almost sounds too sincere. We need a more “Days of Wine and Roses” feel.