7 Questions with Writing Raw

Weeb at Writing Raw invited me to take part in one of their 7 Question Interviews, which was a lot of fun:

“6. Do you have anything specific that you want to say to your readers?
Number one, do not believe the rumors. Number two, please send me some more money; the pennies I get from every book sold cannot hope to support my drinking and the associated medical bills.”

You can read the whole interview here. After the break, for fun, there’s an old interview I conducted with myself for an issue of The Inner Swine (Volume 4, Issue 4, December 1998).

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*** INTERVIEW ***
The Inner Swine Interviews #1:
AHEAD OF MY TIME, BUT ONLY BY A WEEK
Ten Questions with Jeff Somers
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A new feature here at The Inner Swine will be me presenting these ten questions to whoever I manage to get to do it. This will probably be the same bunch of losers and malcontents  -I of course mean stalwart friends and associates- who already litter these pages far too often, since they’re usually the only ones I have any kind of human contact with at all. Since this was the first one, however, I naturally interviewed myself. No one interests me as much.

1. What is your greatest ambition in life?
To pay off the humongous debts I have accrued in such a short time. Who knew there was a price for my recklessly herculean binge-drinking? Not me.

2. What is your greatest fear?
That everything they say about nicotine, alcohol, and cholesterol is true.

3. Do you believe in a guiding intelligence in the universe?
Of course not, and to warp a famous phrase from Robert Andrews Millikan, “I think you will understand me when I say that I have never known a thinking person who does believe in God.” If this Universe is the best a God can do, we’re in even deeper trouble than mere death. I could construct a better world with Lincoln Logs and L. Ron Hubbard texts.

4. You’re on a plane with the two people most important to you (think of who they are); the plane crashes, stranding the three of you with no food or hope of rescue. Who gets eaten first, and why?

Me. Absolutely. Within a few days, too. It wouldn’t take long. First of all, I’m meaty. Second of all, I’m marinated with cheeseburgers and light beer  -I’m delicious! Finally, I’m pretty much a beta male who can be talked into anything by attractive women, so it wouldn’t be long before  I was convinced that my purpose in life is to be digested by my two best friends.

5. What do you think of The Inner Swine?
I think it’s the greatest thing to happen to humanity since TV Guide.

6. What song is stuck in your head this week?
“Jeff Wears Birkenstocks” by NOFX.

7. Quick! In 50 words or less defend your existence and consumption of valuable food and oxygen!
I don’t eat much and I breath less than most people, so I don’t feel too guilty. Aside from that, I’ve invented a Water Engine (confiscated by the CIA) a Common Cold cure (bought and suppressed by Pfizer, Inc.) and, of course, published The Inner Swine, which will likely be the new Bible after the apocalypse leaves behind a lot of flashburnt illiterates for me to rule from my underground bunker.

8. Describe what you see in the following: [inkblot image deleted]
I see Snoopy from the Peanuts comics, being eaten and torn apart by various demons and monsters. He’s screaming “Get Met!” but no one can help him now! One of the demons bears a remarkable resemblance to Garfield.

9. What are your feelings on public urination?
What’s the big deal? Our backwards complex regarding our natural elimination of wastes from our bodies is pretty creepy, IMHO. While no one wants people whipping it out or squatting right there in the street whenever they feel like it, I don’t see the harm in emergency venting. After all, I live in the NYC metro area, where public bathrooms are guarded and secret. If there’s harm in occasionally pissing in a Dunkin’ Donuts’ parking lot at 2AM, I’d like to see proof of it!

10. What’s your best pick up line?
“Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you but if you don’t sleep with me I’ll start to cry right here in front of you.” Works more often than you’d think.

JEFF SOMERS is the Editor and writer of This publication. He lives in Jersey City with his personal demons and dresses like an alterna-boy wannabe despite his viciously conservative views and cynical attitude towards all popular culture. This is usually where the interview subject would get to plug his/her projects, views, or whatever, but since this whole freaking volume is pretty much a Jeff Somers infomercial, I’ll spare you one more self serving paragraph, okay?